So sorry for bailing last week on all of you but I have been a little busy rescuing the world. Well, maybe just my local Parish but regardless, the moans and boos and hisses thrown my way…you would all make excellent Bachelorettes! I am back and threw in a few re-caps of last week so unbunch your panty's and read on...
So I think we are all in agreement that Moneyball (Michelle Money for those of you who are not in the know) punched herself in the eye for attention last week, yes? I am sorry, but there is no way in hell that one wakes up with a shiner like that and has no idea where it came from. Unless she got a botox injection a la Kim Kardashian, then she definitely pulled a Muhammad Ali on herself. Desperate times calls for desperate measures. Looks like she accomplished what she set out to do by being the winner of the “Jake and Vienna & Ed and Jillian Fell in Love this Way” date. Ya, ya, repelling down an LA skyscraper to get the guy to fall for me…no thanks. He can’t be that worth it. Not to mention we know how the Sausage and Jake fared in the end so have at it Looney Tunes. Classic move last week when she basically threw down the gauntlet. I saw a girl at Bella Bru on Friday (during breakfast) re-enact the “elbow to the hand” scene. I wanted to shout “I know who you are talking about!” but my daughters would have been mortified. I LOVE seeing people at the local restaurants talking about this shit a week later! Tonight she was all Master and Servant/Jedi Mind Tricks and the scary part of it all? Brad was so turned on by her little side show that I would not have been shocked if he threw her down and did her right there for all to see. Please Dear God let him see through her antics and realize that she is Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction…there is no doubt in my mind that she would boil a bunny on the stove to get his attention.
St. Emily…my God that girl is HUGE…lay off the Ruffles honey! Seriously, does she even weigh 90 llbs? Her teeth probably weigh 10 so that might be about right. I am stuck on her veneers…they are too big for her little mouth. I know, I am petty, but I find myself getting nervous that they might pop out like my Grandma’s dentures used to do. She is due to have at least one fault, yes? So, the teeth are probably it…that and her Fredricks of Hollywoods heels that she constantly wears. I loved seeing her in tennies on the track but you know if they would allow it, she would have come teetering out on 7” metallic spiked heels. Always good to have a back-up weapon that you can just reach down and grab or in her case, a little stake to anchor her into the ground when a gust of wind comes up and threatens to blow her away. Shame on the Producers for having her go on a date to a Nascar racetrack. I thought the small plane was cruel enough but Wow, they are just testing her little limits. So, Brad likes her but it is physical…it has got to be. They have hardly even kissed. I know he wants to get to know her but man, she is the one who needs to be racking up minutes with the Therapist. I adore her, how can you not, but she has A LOT of work to do on herself before she is ready for this. I will miss her when he lets her go, and we know it will wreck him, but if he has any brains, he will see that huge sign she wears around her neck that clearly blinks “Off Limits”.
Chantal ….stop crying. STOP! He likes you. Be confidant, be strong, relax and be you. And please, do not wear a dress like the one you wore to the rose ceremony tonight ever again. I will be amazed if you are not featured in the back of US magazines “Fashion Police Extra”. Don’t worry though, you will not be alone. Britt’s Miss USA evening gown competition dress will be right next to you. Speaking of Britt…Boy George called and he wants his fluorescent yellow back. What was that? She could have been the yellow light on the racetrack. Doe she talk? And I am curious how a Food Critic can be so skinny…. I am pretty sure I would not trust anything her article says because I think it is important to TASTE the food in order to critique it. Her days are numbered…
Alli…The sympathy cake and champagne minus a make-out session is a true sign that you are his BFF not his WIW (Wife in Waiting). I think Brad would love to hang out with you, go drink a few brewskis and watch the game together but I don’t see him thinking about getting naked with you. Sorry…I just call it as I see it and this is what I see.
Shawntel…even I was jealous and a little curious. Why did she not hit Louis Vuitton? I don’t think I would have even had time to chat with Brad since I would be sprinting from store to store looting like the general public during Hurricane Katrina. I probably wouldn’t have gotten a rose but at that point I don’t really think I would have cared. The Embalmer seems like a cool chick but I think I would be weirded out by a guy who drained dead peoples blood and then pumped them full of checmicals, not to mention "sculpt" them for viewing. I guess someone has got to do it and better her than me but Brad might be feeling a bit weirded out too. I was thrown by her “awe” at the big shopping mall because “small town Chico” doesn’t have anything like that. News Flash…Only Vegas and maybe Rodeo Drive have malls like that. Chico has malls…don’t try to sound all backwoods small town. It’s not like she lives in Drytown, CA population 40 (yes, it absolutely exists!). Anyway, good date, good food, she is a good eater, good making the girls all super jealous and pissy about their measley one on ones. Enough now though of the LEAPING into his arms to re-enact the final scene from the “Bachelor Blockbuster” that the 2 of you starred in a few episodes ago. We get it…he carried you out of a building that exploded. FYI…it was rigged to do that….he didn’t really save you.
Tonight however Brad did star in a production of VIVA Elvis and OMG he looked so flaming in his outfit and eye-liner. He also had a serious wedgie going on thanks to the cables that suspended him high above the crowd. I am so-so on the Ashley he kept but I have noticed that she isn’t bobbing her head as much and signing as she speaks, so perhaps she has worked out her ticks and he is noticing that too? I was sort of shocked that he kept her over the other Ashley but that could be because she wears not only the green rubber bracelet that no doubt supports the cause that ended her father’s life (so I get the green bracelet) BUT she was also wearing a SILLY BAND next to it! She is a nanny so maybe her “charges” gave it to her to wear for luck(?) but NOT ON A DATE WHILE WEARING A FORMAL! I felt bad for her as she was so clearly devastated that he let her go. She did such a great job explaining how the tears were more about her and not him. I do see potential here for the next Bachelorette…I don’t think it could be Emily so this Ashley would be my next thought. We will have to wait and see…
No big surprise on letting Marissa and Dorothy from Kansas go. "WHO", you might be asking...exactly! Marissa was a little late on the “random note texting” thing. Poor girl..she is soooo wishing she didn't do that. I don’t think that that note or conversation would have ever kept her from going home…maybe only scared him off. You know she feels like a dumb ass though because now she has to go back to her sports job knowing all those guys know about her “texting little notes” deal….not to mention millions of other people do too… kind of embarrassing. Dorothy, well she simply never materialized. I think she was Moneyball’s lackey in the house and just sort of hung out and smiled here and there. Time to click your heels three times Sugar and repeat after me “There is no place like home…” Hopefully not, cuz that is where you are headed.
So, sorting through the fluff, I think it comes down to Chantal and Shawntel, Ashley, & Moneyball. I think he wants Emily to work out, but I see her leaving. Jackie might make hometown dates but it will only be because Emily is out. In the end it might be the battle of the 2 Shawn/Chan tal’s.
LOTS of bright pink blush tonight on the cheeks…either they all have Vegas sunburns or there is just serious make-up and nails going on. Other than that, minus Moneyball, it seems like the Suites at Aria are one big Lovefest. I did read a little something from the Vampiress (in US) and she said Money never showed “that” side of herself in the house so The Ladies Tell All will be interesting with her. Another little something I read for all of you Chris Lamberton (Ali) fans…he and Payton (Jake/Bachelor Pad)are seriously dating…that is a cute love connection. And finally, Jen Scheft had her baby…a little girl named Mae. (No need to pick up People or US…I got you covered). See, so if it doesn’t pan out here, it will pan out at some point. Just maybe with a different Bachelor/Bachelorette!
Until Next Week.....
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