Cry Me A River......And Then Some!

Oh my God…was this the most depressing episode of Bachelor to date? The tears that were shed (has to be record breaking), the secrets that were revealed…I told you they found this group at various Grief Anonymous meetings. Well, there and possibly the Psych Ward (Michelle). It seems so fitting that Dr. Drew will be on the show next week…

It seems totally inappropriate to shred these girls to bits after all the emotion that went on tonight and you KNOW how much I appreciate inappropriate & shredding. I mean, even the Vampiress was totally real tonight…she even removed the freakin’ fangs (who knew they were chiclets pressed to her bicuspids teeth? Yes, I am well versed in periodontics amongst all of my other talents.) So Madison finally gets real and then she bolts. I think she pretty much showed everyone who she really is by doing that. She protects herself by wearing fangs and takes on this weird alter ego and then the minute she removes the fangs and introduces the real Madison/lets the walls come down, she is out. I don’t buy her reason for not sticking around at all (she wouldn’t want to take a rose from someone who really needs it? Puh-lease!). I just think she never wanted to be one of the girls left standing without one. She is the female version of the old Brad and baggage he doesn’t need.

Speaking of that, anyone else see the pattern here? Every girl seems to have a “daddy issue”. Whether he died unexpectedly (Ashley), left the family (head bobbing, talk with my hands Ashley), skipped out AND died unexpectedly (Chantal), or lost her baby daddy tragically (Emily) there is A LOT of “papa problems” here. I am not sure why the producers would want to put someone who has such issues with this same problem himself with woman who suffer from the same thing? This does not make for great bonding & foundations people…

I liked Chantal O tonight, Shawntel worked it out as well but a little less acting in the movie would have been fine with me. LOVED super cute, little bitty Ashley and think they look great together. Not a lot of macking there but could just be what they choose to show or not show. Does anyone else stop and think “hmmmmm?” when he pulls away from kisses a little quicker than others? I wonder if there is garlic (or onion-y pizza like ding-dong from last week) or stale wine breath going on? I digress but I know some of you wonder the same thing. Alli tends to pop up a lot and she seems to hang in there but she is sort of rough for me. Lisa M., Britt, Lindsay, Meghan, Marissa and Jackie are still in the game too. Pretty non-descript…feeling like the front runners are obvious…..

Emily, as lovely as she is, proved a huge point tonight (beyond the fact that she pounds her white wine when she gets nervous). In case it was lost on you I will re-cap. As long as you are beautiful, you can get away with SO much more than the average looking honey. Most guys would have said “f this” at the first half of that date if it were anyone else. She was so closed, so not willing to talk, really uncomfortable to watch. Brad hung in there because he hoped and wanted there to be more to her then what she was giving. He wanted the inside to match her outside and was willing to wait it out and grab onto any little bone she tossed his way. I like Emily and clearly there is depth but if she were Meghan or Alli, Lindsay, etc. the rose would have stayed in that tray & she would have been sent packing. I am glad she finally laid it all out there for him because there was no way I was going to be able to sit through that again. I mean when he pulled up to that little plane, it was like a cruel joke. IF, and I am saying IF he decides not to keep her, can he really break her heart? How shitty is he going to feel if he takes her far and then has to let her go after everything he now knows? No can do. If she doesn’t go in the next few weeks then I think she is IT. Otherwise, different circumstances but same situation. Brad would again, in the end, look like a complete asshole. I just have to call it now…..

Let us take a quick visit to the loony bin that is Michelle. Someone get that girl a straight jacket. Holy Shit, she is a piece of work. I cannot believe he is remotely into her and I am so hoping that he has her number and is just playing along for the shows sake. Nice FAKE tears she was sort of shedding when she talked about Brielle (her daughter) and how she is worried that she is being a selfish mother. Right, like you care? I think selfish is your middle name and that you could give a flying fig about anything other than yourself (and your hideously “I plucked my eyebrows into an unnaturally skinny arch”). I love hearing her name called for group dates only…FACE! Yes, I said face, circa 1986. I used to love to put my hand up to my sisters’ faces and say it but would throw a “FACIAL” in there to really get my point across. Which is exactly what I would say to Michelle’s beat face if she were standing in front of me…FAC….IAL!!!

And finally, the group date….did they really make another movie? What did I say about this last week? Seriously….SOOOO done, so dorky, so tired. I know you are in Holly-f’ing-wood but please do not make it anymore cliché then need be. I mean the stunt guys, and the fighting and Tai Kwando scenes? Really? That pretty much looks like the crappiest movie ever made. The “cover my eyes” pillow again came in handy tonight.

SO….sorry there isn’t a lot of funny, but it was truly a fairly serious episode. It could be that the girls who took center stage (and also cried) happen to be some of my faves and so ripping on them just doesn’t come easy tonight. Hopefully next week he will give me a little something other than “deceased dads and first loves” to work with.

Token Paragraph…..Aren’t therapy sessions usually really private? His Therapist was so super insightful to boot. When I got past his Greg Brady perm and could focus on the breakthrough at hand that “BINGO”…or was it “BOOM, there you go” moment when Emily was the topic? I mean to witness that crucial “A-HA” with Brad was super surreal. I feel so honored that I, along with a million other people got to be present for that. Barf! Seriously now, I long for the tongues down the throat, too much champagne and hot tub moments that make you want to run screaming from the room! C’mon Bachelor…give me a little somethin’ somethin’!