The Claws Come Out (But the Fangs Are Still In).....

Kudos to Brad for nipping the drama QUICKLY in the bud and getting rid of Raichel the Manscaper and Melissa the Freaky Waitress. I am fairly confident that even if they didn’t bring a bag load of crap along with themselves he still would have said good bye due to lack of personality and just straight up lameness. There are enough quality girls in the house so no need to hang on to this baggage. I thought for sure the producers would have pushed to keep them around another week but perhaps even they found themselves reaching for the ever-faithful “ here to cover my eyes” pillow when the claws came out. Melissa is Unstable with a capital U and half the time she looks like she is strung out on crack. Crying is NOT a good look for her. Raichel…well, anyone who chooses to rip the hair from a man’s undercarriage for a living must be a little loco in the cabeza. I am a non-practicing licensed Esthetician (yes, seriously) and you could not pay me enough money to do that ever! I was grossed out by her boobs hanging out of her dress (why does anyone think this looks good?). Raichel was a bitch and a total bully and she looked for the weak girl which clearly was Melissa. I cannot believe Melissa cried not only to Brad but to Ali and Roberto as well…Oh no you didn’t??? The topper for me was when she once again was sitting and weeping to Brad and she suddenly went off on a tangent about her onion breath. Please Shoot. Me. Now. I seriously plugged my ears and started humming because I was so mortified by what might come out of her mouth next. I am relieved both are gone because Michelle is PLENTY enough for that house.

Miss “Its my 30th BiRTHday and all I want and deserve is time with Brad.” Deserving? An elitist? Nope, she is just a crazy bitch…straight up “looney tunes, run don’t walk, get as far away from her as possible NOW” nutso. And I thought I would be afraid of sharing a room with the vampire? Hell no…Michelle is 10 x scarier. I want to slap her smirky little face so hard that I find myself gritting my teeth when she appears. I cannot believe that this woman is the mother of a daughter…poor little thing. There is evil just lurking behind her eyes. She is all calculated moves and games and she taunts the others like Tweety working Sylvester. Did you see her “pool rose dance”? Bobbing up and down in the water waving her rose at everyone? Uggghhhhh. It would have taken every ounce of my self- restraint to not jump into that pool and kick her drowned rat ass. Her earrings were the size of my head (she by the way has an exceptionally large head) and please note how horrible her painted on eyebrows are. I find her to be a strange cross of Maria Shriver and Jillian from The Biggest Loser…they are each somewhat attractive if not hard looking by themselves but once you merge them into one it is all bad, bad, bad…hence Michelle. I am fairly certain Brad will see through her but this one might be around for awhile. No worries…I don’t think I will ever get tired of ripping on her and you will probably never get tired of reading it.

Does anyone else think that Ashley H. might be Italian? You might be saying “Why Do You Ask”? Ummmm, because I have never seen anyone talk with their hands as much as she does. She was cupping them and making, like, little balls or something with them. I am not sure how this gesture ties into her father’s absence but I have a strong feeling that it is part of her “head toss, I move my body parts a lot” tick (if we can call it that?). Liked her enough and their date (loved her dress) but I was stuck in a few spots. If her head wasn’t bobbing ALL over the place, then her hands were. And if she wasn’t interrupting him while he was talking then she was eating his face while kissing him. I get it…she was super into him but I am concerned that her “super motivated self” is in EVERYTHING she does. She is somewhat impressive and clearly a strong, independent woman but God help her patients while she is working on their mouths and talking at the same time.

Jackie…..I don’t know here and I say that with a sigh because I know a lot of you like her. She reminds me of a stick. Yep, just a straight little stick. I thought her “Ohs and Awwws” were sort of actress inspired and that her constant look of surprise and “thank you’s” were sooooo over the top. I was impressed with her eating (at the Hollywood Bowl) though….she was scarfing her chicken down! Another “she reminds me of” coming your way….Rachel…for all of you Gleeks out there. I think she might be using the show for her “hope to be a future Broadway star”. I am not feeling a lot of personality either. Maybe her hard lines will soften out and I will lighten up on her but for now I am not sold. I do have to say, in her defense, that she refused to get caught up in the shit-storm that was Rachiel (yes that is how she spells her name…with an I!) and Melissa and that does point to class. Okay, so for now she is a classy stick~ We will re-visit her next week…

Brad and Emily sitting in a tree. Brad hopes they are K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Wow, he is smitten. Blushes and trips over his words in her presence. I found out tonight that she is only 24…sort of surprised me. I didn’t realize she is so young. Once you look past all the Southern Charm and sweet stuff I think her maturity shines through. I really like Emily (you know, in all of 2 episodes) and I think she is the front runner. So many shows and so many chances for change but for this week…I pick her ;)

Chantal O. is great and sort of the “speaker” of the show. Pretty girl and seems to stay drama free. Shawntel (the embalmer) will give us some more as the show progresses….I think she hangs around for awhile. I think Lisa M (Dorothy/ruby red slippers) looked gorgeous in the green dress last night and she might actually be our “sleeper”, Madison was still wearing her fangs. Who are Stacey, Lindsay, Meghan, Lauren, Sarah P. and Allie??? I know, right? Yes, they are all still on the show! And Britt…..

I am so grossed out by the Bachelor and their “filming a movie, a music video, and/or public service announcement” stints. Yes…watching two girls make out with a guy on a bed, a vampiress in a cat suit telling a guy, while cracking a whip and commanding him to “lick it”, and watching two girls…one a maid and one a Hispanic hooker fighting over and kissing “Gustavo” motivates me to go and donate blood. I am so confused here. Am I alone? Seriously borders on soft porn (which sometimes can be a good time but not during Bachelor time) and to top it off it gives psycho Michelle a chance to whine and pout out which in turn gives her more time with Brad. I have disliked the past 3 shows when they used this stage as a group date and this one may have been the sluttiest of them all. What got into Britt? I was pleading with her to stop. I tried to channel her and tell her “not good”. I jumped up and shouted “Don’t cave to the Pressure!!” I couldn’t believe Good Girl Gone Bad so quickly. My pillow really came in handy last night. I know she was mortified (I was mortified)but hopefully she will have a chance to redeem herself.

So, we said goodbye to Melissa, Rachiel and Keltie. We know why the first two went and I can only glean why the third one went. Sucked that they made her act like a butch girl in a body cast for the Give Blood Campaign…never a good look for any woman and again, where they were going with that I have no clue. Finally it could have been that she accidentally kicked him in the balls when she was showing him a little Rockette shimmy (and they just didn’t share it with us) or perhaps it was because she was wearing a necklace on her head. I am guessing that it was the necklace around her head which in turn made her hair boof up in a weird sort of “is she wearing a little cap or is that her hair?” look. Clearly she was limited on friends in the house because true friends don’t let true friends wear necklaces around their head. Keep that in mind as you move through your week .

Until next Monday or Tuesday keep your hands moving just slightly when you talk, keep your boobs tucked in…they aren’t there for the world to see, keep your fangs to yourself, make sure your earrings don’t weigh more than a small infant, refrain from sporadic high kicks and keep chains of any sort where they belong…pretty much anywhere except your head!