And The Winners Are.....

So, Dave and Natalie are our winners….at the risk of sounding like my 3rd grade nephew, well, no duh! Ding and Dong, aka Kip-Ten screwed themselves the minute they made the decision to take them along instead of the Super Bright & Phenomenal Dancing Couple that is Kovacs & Elizabeth. HOW many times did I say that Kiptyn’s moral high road was going to come back and bite him in his “tight little zipper jacket wearing ass?” Never question me on this shit…I know my Bachelors!

You would have never thought that Kip-Ten had made as many frenemies as they did. I cannot believe that Tenley sat there and apologized profusely to “out too soon from the psych ward” Michelle. Are you kidding me? I would have told her ass “Clearly I don’t have your vote anyway so I could care less what you think. You locked my ass in the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth and went all Jack Nicholson circa The Shining on me. You can take your vote and shove it and as for an apology from me? Ya, when someone declares Elizabeth smart.” The one thing I could have said about Kip-Ten up until the finale is that they stayed true to their morals and never sold out for the money but damn…by begging for votes the way they did, well, in the end, they were sell-outs too. Kiptyn has plenty of money and is charitable anyway and Tenley had already lost her home but now won’t be able to pay her parents back but something tells me her new address will bare a So Cal zip code and match that of Kiptyn’s so it was still a win-win. If you ask either they will both tell you that walking away with love is waaaayyyyy more important than the money so all is right in their chocolate covered kisses world.

Dave and Natalie played the game well. I never doubted that either wouldn’t pick “share” as I think that their relationship is important enough to them (get the Happy Anniversary cake and cards ready…I think they are at the one month mark!!). I loved how Dave was trying pretty hard to downplay the seriousness of it, but hey! they are two physical, raunchy, dirty, brash people who have found something with each other so why not? It will be interesting to see if Natalie REALLY starts up a small charity for prostate cancer (in honor of her dad) or if she blows her entire wad on more halter top with ballerina tutu style dresses. Perhaps she can afford a stylist now? I have no idea what Dave ultimately said he was going to do with it but I am pretty sure he didn’t mention anything other than spending it on himself.

Now, shall we talk about the dancing??? All I know is that Kate Gosselin was rejoicing over the fact that there is actually someone out there who dances crappier then she does. Oh Elizabeth…She is a prime example of why we should never judge a book by its cover…for better or for worse. Thank God she didn’t get beat with the ugly stick too because she missed out on just about everything else when God was handing out. Trying to watch her dance without wincing in pain was so extremely difficult for me. I had the pillow over my mouth, then moved it up over my nose and then finally just had to pull it up to my eyes. I could not watch her stiff little stick like body trying to follow Kovacs step counting. Kovacs with Edyta, now that was hilarious. I honestly thought he might have to walk away and adjust his shorts…I found myself watching for it because do not tell me that he was not so turned on by her swinging her perfect little body to and fro while shimmying up the front of him. I am not sure who I was more embarrassed for during rehearsals….Kovacs blatant love for Edyta or Elizabeth’s blatant jealousy over Edyta and continual use of “she’s got her leg all up around my man”…total toss up here. From the looks and sound of things at the the Finale show, it is pretty clear that Kovacs & Einstein are a done deal which is probably a good call.

Natalie took Louis advice about sexing it up to the extreme and again, pillow over my face. Her face expressions gave me more than I EVER wanted to know. In fairness to Dave & Nat they were working it for awhile but then it all went to pot and I am guessing it was at that moment that Natalie focused in on Dave’s ultra-V cut unitard and had a Denny Terio flashback which completely threw her off her game. I hardly focused on him because he looked so wrong in his “manitard” that I just didn’t want the visual coming back to haunt me when it was time for me to enter dreamland later that night.

Now on to Fred and Ginger….so it was going well and then suddenly I hear a “sing-song through clenched teeth voice demand “SMILE”…and again “SMILE”. Okay Tenley, Kiptyn got it. You wanted him to “SMILE”. I can just imagine her bossing him around in Snow White tunes all day while her 7 little dwarfs run about the house and the neighborhood bunnies and raccoons come in for a feeding. I hope Kiptyn has really given this some thought. I just totally digressed…sorry…back to the dancing. So, it was the most decent performance of the 3 and pretty hilarious when Kiptyn dropped Tenley on her ass at the end but they needed that win and they got it…And then, they totally screwed it up….We know how the rest goes. They are now a solid relationship that is KIP-TEN and Dave and Nat are $125,000 dollars richer (actually they really are only like $80,000 richer after taxes but they both probably won’t report it and so possibly they will end up in jail like Richard, Survivor Season 1 winner).

I found it surprising that Payton & Jesse B. voted for Dave & Natalie since in the end Tenley was the only one of the remaining 6 pack to vote to keep those 2, surprised at female Jessie's vote too since Dave left her high & dry. Nikki got her “revenge” on Kiptyn although she is dumb to think that he would lose Tenley over taking her to the finals. We found out that Gwen is 39, (I did some super quick math..she referenced Juan being 37 and that she is 2 years older than him = I am brilliant!) Jesse B is still hot, Jake Pavelka is certifiably gay (I am sorry but he referenced too many dance phrases when judging to be straight), Melissa Rycroft’s unborn child is the size of a lima bean (did you see her pregnant tummy?? …ya, I almost missed it too) and that Gia lost the boyfriend (hmmm, I wonder why they broke up???) & is ready to move on to Wes….that will be a show in itself. Our Modern Day Shakespeare played his super lame song, AGAIN and everyone joined in for a sing-a-long. All that was missing were s’mores and a campfire.

Regardless of how it all came down I was entertained for the past 6 weeks and found myself happy that it was again Monday. Bachelor Pad is a keeper.

So now we all enter a Bachelor/Bachelorette drought and I say to you my friends, my little smutty, devoted watchers & readers; Fear Not! The Hof, Bristol Palin & Flo (you call her Florence I call her Flo) Henderson are about to be contestants on Dancing With the Stars, The Apprentice is back and Amazing Race will be off and running as well. Jersey Shore is going strong on Thursday nights and Survivor is now in effect. Wipeout airs 2 x a week and Minute to Win It can be intriguing. I am personally a fan of the Triple D (Diners, Dives and Drive Inn’s), Cake Boss, Say Yes To The Dress and Color Splash Miami. There is no shortage of reality tv out there so find something that will keep you content for the next few months and sit tight. Will I blog about any of these? Hell No! But I will be refreshed and ready to roll when January comes back around. In the interim, Happy Grandparents Day, Yom Kippur, First Day of Autumn, National Children’s Day, Boss’s Day, Halloween, All Saints Day, Election Day, Veterans Day, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, First Day of Winter, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza and Finally….Happy New Year! See, I will be back before you can say "Not Again Jake Pavelka...Your Time Has Come And Gone!" ;)