Spit Swapping Good Time!

Okay, okay, just trying to gather my thoughts and thinking hard about where to begin….How about all the crying? STOP already! It is a game people!!! WHAT is the problem? Tuck your pee-pees and silicone enhanced boobies away and just PLAY THE GAME!. Win the $250k. Do not think that you came here for love. You will all be together at a Bachelor/Bachelorette Reunion Weekend in like a few months so save the suck-face, topless hot tubing, shower sex and guitar serenades for then and concentrate on the now.

Natalie really is a total skeezer, extremely annoying and down-right raunchy BUT at least she plays the game with the right spirit. She will hook up with anyone (possibly even a chick) to win but you know, I am okay with “Her Royal Skankiness”. She is on like bachelor boyfriend #12 but Dave is up for it, apparently they thought it was inevitable and it isn’t like she doesn’t already have a reputation, so what does she have to lose? Dave on the other hand was so heartbroken over the loss of Jessie last week that I thought he would need at least a few more days to get over her exit. Clearly, he is an “out of sight out of mind” sort of guy. I am not sure f I would pick him as the best kisser, because I might be impartial to Jesse B., but kudos to him on the win.

Let’s talk about Gia. I got an email this morning from a good friend and avid reader/supporter/watcher and she said and I quote “Gia is a dick tease and frankly I am over her.” DITTO. I have never thought her to be the brightest bulb in Liberace’s chandelier but does she really not recall messing EVERYTHING up last week by giving Craig’s promised rose to Wes? Yu want to blame Nikki for the fall out? It must have been that original score Wes penned for her (sort of feel like I have heard that song before?) that just made her fall so hard for him. And then to bow out of the kissing game (more on that below)? Ummm, laying in bed with Wes, kissing his hands, and telling him I LOVE YOU, might be a little bit more uncomfortable for the boy at home than watching you be a part of a game that involves kissing…ya think? Her true genius shined through though when she declared Wes “a modern day Shakespeare but even better” ( PLEASE insert the NY accent by putting the accent on the rrrr’s). I wonder where in the hell this girl got her education and who taught her skinny ass about Shakespeare. Possibly she learned on one of her bikini photo shoots? Dear God, I was happy to see her go. Wasn’t sure if I could handle any more gushing about Wes…WES??? Would have been just as happy to see Elizabeth exit stage right though too…

She is SCARY. REALLY. Like Nikki coming out without any make-up on SCARY. I think the guys were frightened when she kissed them. She was so mean to wash her mouth out with pool water after kissing The Weatherman (although I sort of get it). She is Jedi Mind Tricks Extraordinaire and I have zero idea what Kovacs is thinking by blowing all of his chances by being with her. She is like the Nanny in the “Hand That Rocks The Cradle”. Wicked vibes all around. And as I type this it is not lost on me that that is what her job description was when she was on The Bachelor. I bet the Mama she worked for has some stories. Strange, strange girl.

Krisily = chemistry while kissing blindfolded Dave? C’mon…it was the air of mystery due to the blindfold.

Gwen = I noticed that she looks a little plastic surgery’ish…anyone else see that?

Nikki = Even though Gwen is the oldest Nikki is the total mother hen. Snooze, boring, snore. She did however look pretty in Vegas and I felt bad for her and Krisily that they got all gussied up for a limo ride back to LA…that sucked.

Ashley = okay… respect for thinking of your HS students so bowing out of the kissing game but News Flash…they have seen you romping around in your bikini and flirting and drinking and scheming…sort of thinking that you have passed the point of no return with them, but you know, who knows what kind of HS you teach at?

Tenley = stop crying. Seriously, you are so getting on my nerves. It is like she is a 14 year old school girl trapped in a beautiful 20 something shell. She is so fragile that it is almost painful to watch. Really what she is is horribly insecure and I hope she can find some strength somewhere to pull herself through. When I was watching her last night the look on my face was that of one who has shoved a handful of sour patch kids into their mouths. I could feel the tingle in my cheeks and the squint of my eyes….ouch.

Payton = Yay…I like Payton and I like Jesse with Payton. They just need to be super careful and not act like a couple. I can see Payton fitting right in Peculiar ;) I can also see them, if they play the game right, being great competitors.

Kovacs = total Dumb Ass with a seriously schizo girlfriend

Wes = total Dumb Ass + manipulative + Shakespearean + horrible singer + agro + not voted the best kisser = Any Girls worst nightmare (run Gia run!)

Kiptyn = his lispy talk is really starting to make me question him. His bald spot isn’t helping matters either and do not get me started on his choice of jackets. He was trying to play tough by “lying to Payton” (you go tough guy) but any guy who pictures a future with our little lollipop Tenley is nothing but a total puss. I think he is uncomfortable playing this game and so although he may be a puss, he is probably a quality guy (but one who is balding and lispy).

Dave = great bod, great eyes, but he so give me the heebies that I just got nothing more positive to say. I will however give him props for clearly attending anger management classes and possibly a little AA after his run on Jillian’s Bachelorette season. He has mellowed waaayyy out and that is a good thing.

Weatherman = forecast called for sloppy kisses, no alliances and a twister that picked you right up and swept your little pinner ass back to Dallas. Good thing you can chow down pie cuz you can’t kiss worth shit. I think (aggressive and sexually advanced) 4th graders might kiss better then you. He looked like a little guppy moving his mouth. Let’s just say that doing this show is not going to catapult you into the dating pool anytime
soon.

And to end on that note: The Kissing Contest. I watched with a pillow covering my nose and mouth so I could duck my head down and not see if I didn’t want too. I kept sinking lower and sort of peeking over the top. I was uncomfortable and nervous and so mortified for 90% of it. It reminded me of when we used to watch Love Boat as a family on Friday nights and every time there was a kissing scene my dad would go “kissy kissy” and my sisters and I would shout “eewwww” and cringe. I am no prude so I know if this was rough for me it was rough for most. Soooo much kissing and between Elizabeth and Natalie alone I felt like I needed to go and rinse with Scope. The saliva swapping was over the top and I thought to myself how badly it would suck if just one of these peeps was toting around the flu bug and BAM…the whole house ends up puking. Just a thought. I do have a feeling that the challenges are only going to get raunchier and we are in for some nasty tv. God, I love Mondays!