So, one of the comments I hear most is about how observant I am. It is the little nuances and idiosyncrasies that I am able to spot and then comment for days on & that typically finds you, the reader, nodding your head in agreement or laughing your ass off. I am proud of my uncanny ability to spot these moments and I am pleased to say that this drama packed episode was no exception.
To all you males out there…I urge you to please check your luggage and/or take a mental note re: your luggage. Men should be rolling a gray, brown, navy or black suitcase. No, not royal blue so much that it almost looks purple, not anything with plaid circa Ralph Lauren 1988, no animal prints EVER and no, not even a $2000 Louis Vuitton. You especially should not be rolling red. Tonight, not only was Roberto rolling red luggage but so was Frank. Roberto’s at least was hard sided (somewhat redeeming but still not enough to pass) but Frank, he was going with the soft sides. Red = Stop. Red = Warning. Red = not good. If you want to be taken seriously fellas leave the red wheels at home and show me a beat up, I have travelled all over and experienced it all, navy, gray, brown or black piece of rectangular, hard or soft sided compartment that will hold all of your clothes, toiletry bag and shoes. Leave the red shit for the dip shits. Speaking of dip shits…..
Frank….So, no big surprise here tonight. I think the biggest surprise though was the fact that Nicole is aint no thang but a chicken wing. Only a face a mother could love. She does have beautiful eyes, but wow, when she talked (which all we heard is that she was SICK) I just cringed. Again, another girl in yellow. Okay Bachelor people, we got it…you looooovvvveeee yellow. If I were Nicole I would have thrown Franks straggly ass out the door. He left you to go on a tv show to try and find love Nicole!!!??? Hellllooooo? It took him doing that to decide that he is in love with you? Today anyway. I will give Frank kudos though in the fessing up to Ali arena. You could hear his heart pounding through the microphone as they hugged. Clearly he was nervous but he held it together and explained well. The crying (sort of fake as there were noises and eye rubbing but not a lot of tears during the confession) was a waste. Look dude…you are going home to your choice. It is sensitive and all of you to feel really bad about what you are doing to Ali but I can’t help but to wonder if you are crying because you know that there are a ton of viewers at home watching you thinking that you are a total dick. You can play the sensitivity card but I think it is a waste of salty eye fluids. I wish Ali didn’t sob over his departure. I wish she were more composed and told him good luck and sent him on his merry gay red suitcase way. The fact that she resorted to her crying/hair rubbing in her face makes me feel like Frank was a top choice and that she was about to do something stupid like send Roberto or Chris home. I think it is a blessing in disguise that Frank is gone but after her reaction one still can’t help but to wonder?????
Roberto…uh, could someone get the guy an air conditioner please? How about a fan? Maybe a slight ocean breeze? Okay, a towel for a good mop down at least? The guy had to have sweat off like 15 pounds over the course of this one episode. Wearing a long sleeve shirt to dinner on the night when you are already shitting your pants because the pressure is on to tell her that you love her doesn’t help the internal body heat factor either. Oh my God. And the blue shirt on their date? Chest sweat and pit rings like the circumference of a volleyball. I kept yelling for him to just jump into the water below. When he put his arms up to hug her, my entire family, including a small child all screamed over the sweaty pit monster. For all you sweaty betties out there…when in doubt on a hot day, wear white. It really is that easy. I also highly recommend not wearing a form fitting shirt. If he were in more of a button down sort, he could have leaned forward some and either A. let the sweat drip down to the top of his waistband instead of clinging to his shirt or B. possibly get a little breeze going up there. This island has to be the most uncomfortable place Roberto has ever been BUT Ali is seeing that although yes there is a super handsome side to Bert, well there is also a very wet, sweaty side to him too. Their date was just alright. I think they have a lot of passion but I don’t think they have much more than that. He peppers a lot of the silence with “do you even know how cute you are?”. Um, yes I do and that would get really old with me after the first 6 months of marriage. I am not feeling a lot of sustenance here but I am keeping in mind that we only see a lot of the kissy kissy scenes. I am still a big fan but I feel like if Roberto isn’t chosen that he will be okay. He would be bummed but not broken so that is why I am okay if he is put into the limo or boat and sent away. No matter what happens though he will still have a butt chin and be sweaty guy with a red suitcase BUT he will still be hot!
Chris L…his Hotness Factor grows every week. He is so En Fuego right now and I think he needs to get weekly spray tans when he goes back to chilly MA. I love him and I hope she does too. PLEASE AlI, DO NOT BREAK HIS HEART! Tonight Chris was more comfortable, relaxed and funnier than ever. His comment s re: the fantasy suite (sweet) were hilarious (that would be Fantasy Suite #54) and his profession of love was so real and honest and in the moment that it was the least embarrassing profession on this show to date. I love that he told her he would live anywhere and that he is simply putting himself out there for her. And above it all, his luggage is not red!!! I did however notice swim socks or shoes (neither are good) on him when they were walking out of the water after swimming from boat to shore but I did notice that Ali had them on as well so I feel better thinking that this is a Tahiti “water rule”. Aqua socks are right up there with red luggage and jackets with multiple zippers. I am hopeful that Chris took those pearls that they found on the shore and had them mounted into a ring/necklace/earrings SOMETHING. If he is a smart man, he did. I am hopeful that next week when he is meeting the parents, someone might get a little pearl jewelry memento!
So, meeting the parents is always interesting and I am curious to see what they think of these 2 guys. I hope Chris doesn’t get too nervous which will result in meathead talking and red rosy cheeks and I am hoping Roberto gets a series of botox shots in all of his sweat glands so he doesn’t get the family wet when he goes in for the hug. AND I really hope that Ali didn’t already choose Frank and now thinks she is settling for one of these guys. She’d be crazy if that were the case.
Speaking of crazy I would be remiss if I didn’t comment on the upcoming, sure to be entertaining Bachelor Pad. I can hardly wait. Finally all the slutty, sleazy girls, male ego shit is encouraged to be on display…should be a whopper. I am not promising a blog here but something tells me it will be hard to resist! Bachelor Girls and Guys Gone Wild…love it! And I thought my Monday nights were about to get boring again ;)
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