Vienna Pavelka??? Shoot Me Now.....

“YAWN”, “SNORE”, “BOO”!! Okay, so no major shockers here…what the tabloids reported is what truly was. How shitty is that? I kept texting back and forth with my BF during the helicopter scenes, saying just MAYBE they were trying to pull one over on us and it would be Tenley and she texted back “not going to happen!” She also texted “Here comes dick dawg” when Vienna got out of the helicopter, followed with “lots of tape on her crotch”. She really is convinced that we have a transgender situation here. I told her she should write this week’s final blog ;)

So how are we feeling here? I mean poor Tenley right? How PAINFUL was it watching her find out that Jake didn’t think they had physical chemistry? That’s right Jake…It all makes sense…A gorgeous girl who is willing to JUMP up from whatever she is doing whenever you walk into a room even if she is holding a piping hot bowl of soup and risks 3rd degree burns to her hands, face and body to acknowledge your manly presence, who makes up dance routines in your honor, who is feminine and has this perfect little rockin’ body AND you are having a hard time allowing that to get you going? Hmmmmm? She clearly had the love of his family (we will talk about them in the next paragraph) but he so clearly wanted them to love Vienna. It was easy to see the result before we ever even got to the end. The shadowbox keepsake probably will not hang on the wall of Vienna & Jakes love nest, (I wonder what will happen to it?), the vision of Tenley putting on her “sexy” with her response of “In the Bedroom!” when Jake asked “where should we drink our champagne?” is quickly fading (thank God…that was like watching the Little Mermaid about to lose her virginity…something none of us should EVER have to experience) and the continuous exclamations of “Oh My Goodness” (popular phrase coined by none other than Little Orphan Annie”) is a phrase I really am not going to miss hearing out of the mouth a grown woman. I couldn’t stop the tears from dripping as Jake told her “no” and part of that could have been because I was stabbing myself in the leg trying to keep my mind off the fact that he was AGAIN crying on national television like a big f’ing baby. Did you not learn ANYTHING when you cried over the hotel railing during the Jillian/Wes showdown??? COME ON GUY!! I felt soooo horrible for Tenley in that moment and I so wanted her to be a bitch but she was of course, nice, forgiving, understanding and even pulled a little bit of pleading: Note To All: NO PLEADING IN FRONT OF ANYONE (ie, national television audience) OTHER THEN THE PERSON YOU ARE PLEADING TO. That way if it ever comes up you can deny it and make that person look like a complete ass for lying about you trying to beg your way back in!) Tenley will be fine. She will continue to be the Best Dressed Bachelorette that almost was, she will stay sweet and it even looks like based on comments from “After The Final Rose” she and Jake might be BFF’s…Oh Goody Goody!!! The future Godmother to the future ultra-masculine Pavelka baby….

Lets skip Vienna for now and talk about the Pavelka Clan….Mom is gorgeous and clearly a smart lady. She knows that the girls are the glue and since God punished her with 3 sons (just kidding) she knows that she has got to rely on the d-n-l’s for the family bond. Vienna is certain to screw that one up as quick as you can say Swamp Girl. The brothers are a strange mix of Jake. He obviously is the best looking with the better body and so therefore they really do hate him deep down and until now at least they had something he didn’t…significant others in their lives. One brother had the same hair as Jake (bad) and the brother, well, I don’t know where he came from. Glasses, chops, not really attractive but not ugly….can’t pinpoint that one. Can’t even remember either of their names. Thought their wives were sassy pants. The blonde gal and Vienna will be going ROUNDS faster than you can say “White Trash” and the other gal, the one with the funky little hair –do, will definitely be the mediator amongst the two. Cool chick but needs total hair overhaul. Dad Pavelka~ I think we can all see now where Jake gets the emotional side from. Good God! The man’s jaw shakes and trembles like “Jacob’s” when he cries (and why should the tv viewing audience ever have to know that about either of them?). I was feeling like he was undressing Tenley with his eyes as she gushed on and on about Amazing Jake. Did anyone else think he was a little creepy in his time with Tenley? My mom didn’t…she called to tell me she wanted to marry him…O-KAY??!!??? He probably has just never heard anyone talk about his son that way (I think it is safe to say that most fathers have not) and his reaction = creepy undressing eyes. That’s all. Really strange family time with Vienna. I am sure editing played a big part but I swear I thought her eyes were getting bigger and rounder by the moment. She looked all wild-eyed and uncomfortable, so awkward, no polish, the white trash was slowly trying to shine through. She acted like she was 10 and it was all just weird. I felt like his mom had to sit her down like a little girl and speak in “mommy voice” to her to help her get her ADD under control and be a good girl for everyone! What a trip that was…so strange at the end when the whole family + Vienna was sitting around re-capping their day with her and how they didn’t really like her at the start. Mr. Pavelka was not undressing her with his eyes…I don’t even think he spoke to her…probably off daydreaming about chocolate covered Tenley. Their days with Vienna are numbered anyway…..

So, Canned Sausage wins. I puked in my mouth a little bit when Jake so adamantly stated that “Vienna is sexy as hell”….Okay listen, I am all for the not so perfect body, not most beautiful face, not “perfect in every way” girl to get picked but I don’t even see them together when they stand side by side. What did she do to him at some point in their journey to get him on her team? I did say after they jumped off that bridge together that that might be it. It was for Jillian and Ed (rappelling down some ridiculously high building into a swimming pool below). For me, that would cause major diarrhea and pretty much end the date and any future chance but for some maybe the whole “conquer your fear together and you will fall in love and get engaged on a tv show with a gifted, amazing ring from Neil Lane” is the way to land your man. Perhaps something I should start teaching my children about? I really think had he not picked her that she would have gone postal…seriously. She seemed so desperate for him. His proposal was sooooooo lame, which I guess is par for the course with Jake. He spent way to much time talking about her father and the father/daughter ring and allowed that to be the feeder into his proposal and his announcement of “Vienna…I Love You” (oh my God, so romantic, throw me on the floor and take me now….not really). Her dress was pretty, but her earrings were way to obnoxious and large for an island proposal. When I texted my BF regarding her bad jewelry choice her theory was that Vienna was trying to “over-shadow her dick”. Touché my Girl…Touché! Finally, is the ONLY bathing suit that Vienna packed for this entre journey that damn spearmint green Juicy number? I swear she lives in that thing. What were her facial expressions in her “Vienna Re-Cap” montage? The pursed lips and squinty eye thing does not work for you and while on the subject of that, WHY were you spending some of that montage time in the shower? Why are they videoing her taking a shower for her re-cap? Is it supposed to be sexy? As if she isn’t facing enough struggles, do we really need to add the slicked back hair and au natural look to her woes?

So we are at the end of another season. This one had some great moments and had some real snoozers too. I continue to be disappointed by the lack of creativity by the Producers and Writers and hope they really try to bring it back to the basics. I don’t want to know who the winner in until the very end. I don’t want to read about their dirty, criminal, sexual, drug, white trash, broken marriage messes on the cover of US every week. I want to form my own opinions and then write about them and make you all believe me ;) I want them to pick quality people so the Bachelor or Bachelorette has to make some really painful decisions about who to let go because there are so many great choices in their pool of peeps…am I asking too much here?\
So Ali is up next…I know, I know…we didn’t see that one coming a million miles away. So we will have to endure her teeth and strangely shaped mouth, her weird habit of messing up her hair as she sobs away (it is bound to happen) and scary enough , perhaps a visit back to Grammy’s deserted haunted house. Whatever, as long as she gives me some good fodder, I am game. I know you said “I am not watching this anymore” but I know that you will all be watching Ali. What can I say? I don’t got a lot going on on Monday nights and I DO love the 25 guy thing…always some good stuff there.

The BIG question is do we endure an evening with Jason and Molly and watch them get married??? It is such a conflict that is raging inside me…I don’t like them that much and Jason really is a complete dickhead, but I am curious to see what she is wearing and how it is all going to go, but Jason is such a dickhead, but Ty is going to look so cute in his tux….Oh, the dilemma. I have decided that I will cross that bridge next week when I get there. I won’t be blogging on that one….well, maybe if it is really terrible I will write a quickie…we’ll see.

With that, I guess I will be back when Ali is back. This has been a funny little trip, writing my thoughts about a tv show for all of you to read. Don’t any of us have anything better to do? I am happy that it has made you laugh, am flattered that you get antsy waiting for me to post my newest thoughts and love all of the comments and input. I appreciate the men who have made my man not feel like such a puss for watching this show by admitting that they watch it too AND read my blog (he does not read my blog) to boot. I applaud all the people who put themselves on National TV and allow us to watch their ways and critique and dissect every little move and choice they make…Suckers!

Don’t miss me too much…I’ll be back before you can say “Jake is first one voted off of Dancing with The Stars!” Okay, maybe Kate Gosselin first….it’s a toss up!