Is He Wearing Poukas Again?????

What did I say about the pouka shells last week? I am now getting ready to board a plane bound for St. Lucia so I can personally kick Jake in the balls. I guess it all makes sense now, St Lucia = the whole Rastafarian look but it is still no good on a blonde hair, blue eyed, Texas boy. When I spent my honeymoon in Ocho Rios I did not return with braids and my husband DID NOT return wearing poukas. Attention All: this look is reserved for 8th grade boys who bring their skim boards to Santa Cruz on family vacations, use Sun-In in their hair and buy Sex Wax because they think it looks cool to have a puck of surfboard wax with the word SEX on it. PLEASE keep this in mind when you open your dresser valet and catch a glimpse of your shells, circa 1989, and think maybe you should put them on for old time sake. I am telling you now…you should not.

Speaking of not working, let’s talk about Gia. Who wears short-shorts? Gia wears short-shorts (let’s be honest…if I had her body I would too)! I said it last week that if Ali hadn’t departed on her own, Gia would have been the one packing up. She really has Ali to thank for her extra tan-time in St. Lucia. Although their date was pretty lackluster (I STILL have a hard time looking past her “speak”) I did enjoy seeing her cruise around St. Lucia, brightening the day of all the grimy, yellow-teethed, true Rastafarian men. Just her shorts alone made them smile. Jake proved as Gia swiveled her little hips around that he has no business trying to dirty dance EVER (even for the ever-forgiving Tenley) and he tried to take her down with him by buying her the female version of poukas. Ever the fashion conscious woman, she opted to turn her necklace into a bracelet…good call there. Something tells me she has actually removed it from her wrist (I’m thinking that she had a bout of gangrene before she even left the country) and tossed it into the Hudson by now. The tiara was an interesting choice (you say headband, I say tiara) and almost made it hard to focus on anything else. She plays with her mouth A LOT (nervous habit) and bites her bottom lip constantly. Chances are that the collagen has over-plumped them and they just get in the way but regardless her little “ticks” if you will, were really on display last night. I also noticed upon her departure that she was sweating profusely….poor thing. I was happy to see a bathtub scene although again, I was sidetracked by the pearls that she was wearing in the tub. I was stuck on “are those the strings to her bathing suit?” or “is she wearing a pink pearl necklace in the bathtub???” I was confident that she would be the one to go this week but I did for the first time feel sad for the one not chosen. She truly is lovely, was clearly falling for Jake and felt rejected. I hope that she doesn’t wait too long to get over Jake as something tells me that there will be much better suited boys for her back home in NYC…AND, they will find her “speak” endearing to boot!

Tenley…I really can’t rip this date or this girl apart this week. If ever 2 people were meant to be together I would say it is them BUT I am afraid that there isn’t any challenge in this relationship and surprisingly enough I think even Mr. Sweet Guy wants just a little of that in his life. Her continual exclamations of “Oh My GOODNESS” and “WOW” just solidify her as the sweetest thing to ever grace this show. Her excitement over a “Black Sand Beach!” was more than any should ever feel over black wet dirt but with Tenley everything is just amazing. She probably even found the silver lining to the pimple on her chin that decided to make the trip to St. Lucia with her…she would say it kept her company ;) I thought she looked darling at the Rose Ceremony and am looking forward to seeing her with Jakes’ family in 2 weeks. Really, I just have nothing here. I even found myself rooting for her…I am hoping that she won’t get her little chocolate-covered heart broken! Imagine the dance routine that may be born out of that pain & misery…good God!

You know, the whole Vienna thing just gets more interesting as the show progresses. I got a text from my BF this morning and she said her husband is convinced that Vienna has taped “her” male member to “her” thigh. He thinks she is transgender at its best! After discussing this theory with my mom she thinks that because Jake is feminine that maybe he is looking for a little masculinity…and he has found it in Vienna. LOL! The entire thought makes me howl! The more I look at her the more masculine she does seem to be but in her defense she is next to bitty & ultra-feminine Tenley and Gia so that could be part of the problem. Jake and Vienna do have a natural chemistry. He is much more playful and relaxed with her. I found the pirate patch and making her walk the plank while poking her rear with his little, plastic sword (stop it you dirty minded people!) quite un-Jake like…sort of spicy and naughty…yay Jake! The licking of one another caught me off guard as did when she was walking on to the boat and he shoved her from behind. I gagged during the “On the Wings of Love” instrumental playing in the background as the “Unicorn” began her voyage across the sea. Their “dinner chat” turned a little sour when Jake told her that he was falling in love with not only her but Tenley and Gia as well….God, that has got to suck! Maybe sucks almost as much as straight ironing your hair and then getting out in that Jamaican humidity and having it poof back up. Her bangs were going for the “slow curl under” and the look was not going to be pretty. I think Jake made it all better though when he asked her what kind of ring she would want….shocker that she leans towards princess cut. The white lingerie in the fantasy suite? BAD call. I am wondering if she knows or cares that we could see her undies through it? Something tells me she 1. Knows and 2. Doesn’t care. I know that there is a strong possibility that Vienna could be the one with the Final Rose and I am so curious to see how it all plays it in the media immediately after, if that is the case. I am sure there will be PLENTY of talk about her on next week’s Girls Tell All.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T…that is what I have for Jake after telling Ali that he has moved forward without her! I was SO SHOCKED that I almost forgave Jake for the poukas…NOTE: I said “almost”. I couldn’t believe that he was unwilling to revisit that shit. I still am not totally convinced that ABC didn’t stir this one up for ratings but either way, I was so stoked that he denied her. Her weepy, little girl, phone voice was sooooo annoying as were her continued pain expressions and moaning. I never realized how out of proportion her bottom lip is to her top lip (just a side note there). She is so drama and she so thought she was the bomb. Perhaps some of her regret was finding out that they were all off frolicking in St. Lucia and she missed out on a great free trip…whatever Ali, I hope your advertising job at Facebook was well worth it. TA-TA!

So, we are down to 2. Total complete opposite ends of the spectrum these 2 are from one another and so I have no idea where Jake is headed. If we believe the media, he is possibly going to be Mr. Vienna Sausage and since we have heard very little about Tenley there is a strong chance that she is the one, simply for that reason. Regardless, there will be heartbreak, tears, mascara running down cheeks, probably a little snot and continuous chants of “I just don’t understand”. We will all watch and perhaps even get a little misty eyed for the lady who lost at love. We will swear that we are NEVER watching this show again, complain about how ABC has staged so many of the moments and then see the previews for the next season of The Bachelorette, justify why we just have to watch this season and start all over again. And all will be right in the world.