And Then There Were 3.....

Hello? Yes, are these the people over at “The Bachelor”? Ya, well I wanted to let you know that the whole “my job just called and is making me chose you or them” story line is sooooooooooooooo last season. Pretty sure we saw this thing play out already once just with different players. Can you not get more creative? Are you sure there aren’t any other ways to script a “THE Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever” moment? Am I really still watching this show and then spending a ½ hour of my day typing up my feelings about this show for all to read?

In all fairness I had heard that this was going to happen, but I thought Ali would opt to stay. I really didn’t believe that the show would do this again. What is with Ali anyway? She lost her nerve. She walked into that rose ceremony and looked around and panicked because she noticed that she was the only girl not in a jewel tone dress and felt out of place, kicking herself that she didn’t go all Big Bird by choosing to don bright yellow. She started thinking about her dress and thought, “I need to get the hell out of here. My boobs are barely contained in this dress and that will make Jake uncomfortable because he won’t know what to do with that or them if they should tumble out. My job is a guarantee, as are chances of my boobs busting out of this dress, but being given the Final Rose isn’t and if I lose to that little can ‘o sausage I will forever have crap on my face, so I will bail.” She got her answer from Jake (I will be devastated if you leave), she made him go to her Grandma’s creepy house in MA, (my God what was with the downer of a visit? You live in that amazing town and that is how you spend your day? I thought they were going to end up graveside to lay flowers and pray together!) you with your little Massachusetts teeth profess your love by the fire (I at first thought the “fire they could stay warm by” that her mom referenced when she and Jake went outside to talk were the tea lights on the table…I about peed my pants I was laughing so hard) and you pretty much had this bad boy wrapped up complete with a big, red bow! The peeps over there at ABC need to back off and just let these things go with the flow. Please…the phone call from Ali in the previews? Really? Is she going to come running and pleading at the end, a la Reid last season? Say it isn’t so! Her cry was forced, her hair all messed up and tousled as she shoved it back pleading for more time and her inhale of snot on the final sniffle was gross enough let alone the fact that he stuck his tongue in her mouth after that. Big Bird, you have allowed for some great viewing and writing moments but it is time for you to leave the nest…fly, fly away! Although I won’t be shocked if you come back…..birds of a feather and all that…..

Tenley…STOP talking about your ex. CLEARLY you have some major healing still to do and for that reason alone you will not be picked. The other reason you have blown your chance is because you made the poor man sit on a stool and performed your own special dance for him not to mention to the tune of probably the second most popular wedding song “Pachabel’s Canon in G”. My own husband was hiding his face. HE was uncomfortable watching you perform and you have been his #1 choice all along. Now, had you come out in a black nightie and had Tina Turner’s “Private Dancer” playing in the background things may have been a little different. The dancing moment was SOOOOOO AWK-WARD that I was tempted to hit fast forward yet I found myself stuck in real time. Your dad was sweet, your mom a little strange (trying to figure out where Tenley’s looks come from???) but a lovely family all the same. I think you were probably the #3 girl last night if Ali hadn’t left. Soak up the sun in St. Lucia girl as I think your days are numbered…(quick side note…snaps to you for that rockin’ green dress you wore to the rose ceremony!)

Whas sup G-money??? Back home in NYC baby, eating some pasta with the family and your man. Your brother Eric kept it real and kept me laughing. Watch out Jake…he’s gonna hire some peoples to come and break your legs if you mess with G! Such a lovely girl but not a lot of sustenance. Love the Italian mother taking good care of her baby (I know what that is like first-hand but Donna is waaayyy more into her daughter then my mom is into me…perhaps because there are 3 of us and we drive her f’ing nuts ;) Always a big sign to run when a girl’s mama wants to read your cards. An even bigger sign when she gets it all wrong and has no idea of what she is doing! I was confused by the pony-tailed step-dad, perhaps because I thought he was a brother too. His contribution to the dinner conversation with “theyz real close, Gia and Eric” was such a poignant moment that I caught a tear welling in the corner of my left eye teetering on the brink of my lower lashes, threatening to fall…BUT then I pulled myself through it and all was good and dry-eyed. I think Gia was the one on the line last night. He had the least connection with her family and has not mentioned love when it comes to her REGARDLESS of the love mama bear promised G she saw gleaming in his eyes. She will be back in the bright lights big city sooner then you can say “Sopranos” but there is a bonus: she now returns to the mother ship as a girl who has been kissed on a stoop.

Vienna...She had totally built up her home life as “Daddy’s Princess”, that she is the driver of nice cars, that she asks and she receives, and she is the mother of a “purse dog” SO, I somehow envisioned her as a wealthy little Floridian girl, with a palatial spread on a golf course off some little inlet in Miami. Imagine the shock and horror when I realized that she teeters on the verge of white trash! I hate to say this because I don’t like being so judgmental but why again does she think she is so hot? One of my TN girls pointed out that she looks transgender and that is something that I cannot believe I overlooked! Her Daddy was not scary at all, just a HUGE cry baby (note to all of the dads out there…you do that and you will look like a complete puss) and it was hard to get a read on the women in her life because we hardly heard anything from them. The river cruise was fine, but again a BIG ‘OL FLASHING NEON LIGHT screaming “BACK WOODS SWAMP GIRL”. Felt a little uncomfortable while they made out on her bed in her bedroom with her dad standing over them (again, trashy). She gushed and I don’t doubt that she isn’t into him, but come on, what does a 23 year old really know about love (except for me…I was a VERY mature 24 when we got married!)??? We have all see the covers of US and PEOPLE and the ENQUIRER and for those of you who don’t grocery shop they have all said that Vienna is the girl with the Final Rose…I don’t know…I just don’t see it….and therein lies the problem…..

WHO is Jake going to pick? NONE of them are right. He has made some weird choices which has left him with weird girls which really just showcase how weird he is. I am not pulling for anyone anymore. I don’t even care who he ends up with at this point. He did ask for “permission to propose” from Tenley’s dad and Ali’s mom but who knows what that really means? I just got off the phone with my mom and she echoes my sentiments. When my mom is throwing words out like “Bimbo” and “Swamp Trash (nice one mom)” then you know it has all gone to hell in a hand basket. Please just let it all end…Ali Cat, G, Candy-Coated Tenley and Canned Sausage your time is up. None of you better be the next Bachelorette (Oh God Spare Us) and it won’t be too soon that I don’t see any of your faces on TV anymore.

Are we going to see Jakes family? Will they be in St. Lucia? Will he lose any more hair? All I know for sure…if he shows up wearing pouka shells EVER again (let alone shells in RASTA colors..you know, because he is soooo Bob Marley like) I will personally fly to wherever he is and kick him in the balls…someone has got to do it. I am looking forward to the Women Tell All (always fun) and honestly anxious to see this one end. As my sister so eloquently put it, “Someone please stop this ride, cuz I want to get off”!