So, I am sort of feeling un-inspired by last nights show. No extra roses being torched in campfires, no drama from Corrie upon her exit and Ali and Vienna have both even declared that they are putting Jake first and are going to play nice. I mean, Ali is still a bitch and Vienna is still named after canned sausage but one cannot save the world in 24 hours!
So weird to me that this was Tenley’s first one-on-one with Jake. It seems like these two shared a womb together so how can it be that these hours were their first alone? She of course was as sweet as pie, listening and hanging onto his every word, hmmm’ing and ahhh’ing in all the right spots and keeping those glassy green eyes on him at all times. Chinatown (really? Of ALL the places in SF and you spend a bulk of your date in gritty Chinatown? I know, I know, they made fortune cookies and “giggle” wrote the same fortune for one another’s cookies…KISMET!) seemed to work for them, even as they managed down some nasty looking sushi (again….ever heard of Fisherman’s Wharf?). She was darling in her little rice patty sun hat and he was super Gay in his King & I beanie (what in the hell was that look?). The Coit Tower, the conversation = effortless BUT I do have a bone to pick here! Does this girl REALLY believe that her husband left her because she didn’t jump up from the computer when he walked into the room? Because she didn’t leap off of the couch when his presence was announced? Are you fuckin’ kidding me? Okay, if this is truly what she thinks then I think it is a good thing that she is a dancer and plays the role of Ariel in The Little Mermaid because that is about all she is smart enough for. TENLEY!!!!! Don’t be a dumb ass!! AND PLEASE do not go onto national television and ever say anything so stupid again!!! Regardless, she and Jake look so perfect together and seem to just click that I think we are looking at something here that is “too good to be true”. I think he will cry like a baby who is being weened off of the boob when he has to let her go and the pain he causes her will be ridiculous for him but I just think NBC is messing with us a little and leading us to this conclusion. A great couple? Sure. Likely? I say no.
Gia or “My G” as her Mama calls her (in the previews). I was missing the koala and eucalyptus tree branch look last night. They are pretty lackluster together. She is insecure and needs to be reassured A LOT and she really was awkward on the 2 on 1 date. Certainly having another chica along for the ride on your date has got to suck but baby, that is your time to SHINE. It is time to be a little Me! Me! Me! Yes, the Little Sausage (for all you dirty minds, I am talking about Vienna here) was stealing the show and did the weepy bit but Jake did whisk you away into some creepy part of the creepy winery to have some alone time with you. Please, next time you are alone together do not ask him if (and I quote) “Is it safe to fall?” Fall where? I pulled the pillow over my face. The hideousness of that line caused me severe nightmares last night. PLEASE, be secure in your hair, your little bitty body, your collagen enhanced lips your sillicone enhanced boobs and your funny East Coast lisp and just go with this. Next week with her family is sure to be a riot….really, just the accent alone!
So, we had the proverbial virgin along for almost the entire show and never knew it! You Go Corrie! Good for her BUT it was so clear that she comes from a MAJOR Bible Banging upbringing. It would have been interesting to see her family. Their one-on-one rowboat date was BRUTAL. Did she really ask if there are gators in CA? And did he really respond with “I know they have sharks”. Oh, yes and they are both in this little pond and they are going to swim up and tip your asses out of this rowboat and into this pond and barrel roll you into a dark and dizzying whirl and then they will both take a nibble out of you! Yes, a tangent, but that is what that sort of stupidity deserves. Clearly that is where the conversation went since they had NOTHING to talk about. So strange to hear their “voice-overs” as it was like the producers where even trying to create some noise. I did like her “I need to be pursued” attitude and that she feels on a kiss that the guy should be about 90% on the lean in to her 10%. She is my kind of girl, just missing the whole personality thing. This date was just blah, blah, blah BUT I did take one thing away from it…I REALLY need to take my kids to the Academy Of Modern Science Museum…looks amazing! I guess we always miss it when we are in the city because we are busy hanging out in Chinatown ;)
Vienna…ummmm, did she really think she was a “Queen”? Jake’s Queen? Her Daddy’s Princess and Jake’s queen? Did she really toast the start of the date to Prince Charming? Okay, I can see how she can be really annoying and possibly grate on the other’s nerves. Unless you really are born into royalty (like my sisters and I…seriously, ask me about it sometime) then you should refrain from referring to yourself as such. You should also refrain from using the term “My Daddy”, from clamoring for attention, and from letting yourself crash a very G rated guy’s bedroom when he clearly is very uncomfortable with the presence of a young, blonde, girl who is very willing and available on tv. Did anyone else notice how TIGHTLY he pulled his sheet around himself? What is up with him? He was soooooo nervous. His “yuck, yuck, yuck” chuckle was like quivering a little bit. Okay, just a thought here, but has he ever done it? Honestly…I really think we might have the male version of a Corrie here. I thought it was interesting that Jake brought Vienna down to his room before the Rose Ceremony to have a make-up, make-out session. I also found it convenient that she managed to look him into the eyes, grab his face and say “I love you!” when explaining her idea of the perfect marriage. I also found it interesting that she left her puppy out of the equation. She is soooo young and probably not ready, but I think Vienna might be the girl with the Final Rose. I think he is into how excitable and wild-eyed she is but can certainly have a conversation with him too. The other thing about Vienna is that she truly is refreshingly honest with him. I just would not be surprised if she is the one Jake was thinking of as he looked out over the blue Pacific while Jefferey Osbourne sang on. Looking forward to getting the goods on her “Daddy” next week.
Let’s count…How many times did Ali say “I can’t wait to show him MY town” Too many to count! And by the way sweetheart, it is not your town…someplace in Massachusetts is your town. From the look of your teeth alone you are clearly not West Coast. What is up with people from Massachusetts? They all have the same teeth/gum line/mouth-thing working…can spot them miles away. So, it is weird to hear her call SF her town…that’s all. I wasn’t digging on the dress (bra-straps showing the entire time) with the black suede buckle boots…bad call. Hard not to have a great time walking around the Marina, frolicking on the green in front of the Bay with the Golden Gate in the background and splashing in the water on a picture perfect sunny day in SF. I thought she was dishonest with him when they talked about the Vienna issue and expected her to be a bit more ballsy then that. Jake did however surprise me with the public kissing display of affection and OMG…he sort of put his hands on her ass….way to cop a feel! Her hometown will be interesting and I imagine it will be a room full of East Coast teeth.
So, next week we meet the parents and siblings. We will listen as Jake explains how it is that he can have feelings for 4 girls at one time (have these people NEVER watched this show before their daughters went on it???), we will watch Daddy threaten Prince Charming if he doesn’t take care of his Princess and we will watch Tenley JUMP to attention from this point forward whenever her beloved enters a room (can you imagine how many calories you could burn if you did that for your betrothed?). There will be new drama as previews show there will not be a rose ceremony which means that one of the girl’s family got to her and told her to jump ship before she embarrasses herself any further. I will continue to take notes about Jake’s balding spot on the back of his head and ask myself more then once “what is she wearing” and “did she just really say that”. When walking my kids into school today one of the “dads” who recently revealed himself as a fan of my blog (which means he revealed himself as a man who watches the Bachelor…love it!) and I started chatting about last night’s episode. He had his few comments and I had mine and in parting I yelled out “What will we talk about when it is over?” Don’t worry y’all…the next installment of Jersey Shore is just around the corner…..
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