Week 4 recap...Jake Cleanin' House!

Another week and 4 more girls are out. Jake is cleaning house like a maid on cocaine!
Where to start, oh where to start??? Oh, I know, how about with Tenley looking like she was about to nurse her baby, Jake? What was with the boob shot and his nose pretty much brushing up against her sweater? Did he really say that was the first time he ever had his head in a girls lap? Is someone going to have to teach him how to unhook a bra with one hand, let alone two? I get skeeved out just watching him chuckle, can you imagine what the overnight dates are going to be like? I will have the fattest pillow at my disposal so I can throw it over my eyes and ears.
Again Tenley doesn’t disappoint (or does if you are looking for someone a little grittier and nastier) when it comes to Jake. They are so cut from the same cloth that I would not be shocked to find out that they are related somehow. They are like Barbie and Ken…super-sweet, super-perfect, super-naïve, super-pure….super annoying, but in a nice way. I did love the campfire scene where Tenley actually had a bitchy moment although I don’t think she intended to be (heavens no!). Sitting around the campfire discussing the potential exit of Ella or Kathryn and she giggled and said “you have to be nervous, its like a 50% chance”. Probably her MEANEST moment EVER…..the scandal! She will be one of the Final 2~
Gia...If Jake is the eucalyptus tree then you are the koala. What was with all of the carrying her around? She seriously looked like a koala bear hanging off of a eucalyptus branch. And hide-n-seek in the vineyard? I am not homophobic so at the lack of a better word, can they be any GAY-ER?. Did I really watch them play Spin-the Bottle? Again you Bachelor people are muddying all of my pre-teen memories by having adults re-enact these moments. I hid my face through a chunk of this date…I didn’t want to, but I had no choice…..I was cringing . The salve to this wound was that Jake was into these games and her. He happily played hide-n-seek, cheated at spin-the-bottle so he could cop a kiss and continued to carry her all around like she was his pet koala. She grew on me as the date carried on, but I still am having a hard time with her lips. I thought it was interesting that they both confessed that they were huge nerds, taunted and teased and that Jake didn’t get any until he was a Junior in HS and I am betting what he got wasn’t that much based on what we have seen here. If ever there were a G-Rated Bachelor this is the one!
Ali seriously has a terrible case of OCD…my God, get over the Vienna thing. I can’t believe I was suckered into believing that she was this awesome, cool, down to earth chick. The shit she stirs is relentless. Let it go and worry about yourself. I did love the way she looked at the Rose Ceremony. I mean she was toeing the line a bit between “being beautiful in yellow” vs looking like a pretty version of Big Birds sister, but I think she pulled it off. I am however having a hard time liking her. I think she might be the definition of conniving and am hopeful that someone calls her out soon. She so reminds me of the coy, pretty girl who everyone thought was all sweetness and innocence, but deep down had the meanest streak of anyone. Due to my very vivid definition it is obvious that I came across a few of those in my day, but I am not naming any names here! This girl is going to self implode in 1….2……3…….
Ella and Kathryn…To my girls in TN who are reading this..Props to your sister in Lafollette for maintaining her composure during the “I just think I should let you go and be with your son instead of being selfish and keeping you here” scene. I loved that she didn’t plead her case and stayed true to her southern polished ways! Kathryn on the other hand…I gave you the “Dark Horse” wand last week and not only did you not grab it and run with the damn baton but you dropped it like it was hot! DO NOT give the “you are not paying attention to me talk” until you are signed, sealed and delivered! Can we say NEEDY?????? I thought these two had a chance since they are pilot and attendant but clearly they needed more to go off of then their mutual love of flying the friendly skies. Speaking of planes…I am SHOCKED that Ella didn’t ask for Ethan’s prized possession back! If it were REALLY his favorite toy, it would have been weighing heavy on her mind…..I won’t revisit this but you know what I think here….
Corrie is starting to shine and yep was she shiny in her bright yellow t-shirt and green lame dress. She is a lot of teeth and not a lot of confidence but she is growing on me and him maybe too. She was fun in Pismo, rough and tumbly and WISELY chose to barrel down a huge dirt mound with Jake when no one else was game. Now, if she took a knee to the tooth and came out looking like Snaggle Puss then the entire thing would have been a bad call and way more funny (I was sooo praying for blogging purposes that something like that would happen) but instead she just got a scalp, mouth and crack full of sand and scored some points…oh, and she got a rose too.
Jessie…it was a combination of MANY things and I am not sure where to start. The green eye shadow seems to be a good place to begin (bad look and you are a cosmetics sales woman), or maybe the black dress circa prom ’89…I am certain Jenny Teed wore that to Loretto’s, maybe it was the continuous use of a claw in your only hair style of a half-up hair-do with the extra high bump, or possibly it all comes down to last week’s blouse. NEVER did we see them have any alone time except for when she went in for the standard Vienna talk. If that is how you choose to use your one and only one on one with him, then you deserve to go.
Ashleigh…she stayed around longer then I thought she would. Her alone time with Jake was soooooo awkward. How many times did she turn her face to his and he moved away to avoid the kiss? He actually went around to her right and nuzzled her neck. Her hand was draped over his thigh and oh my God the camera shot right up her crotch as she is saying she is not as aggressive as the other girls? BAD! Between Tenley’s attempt at nursing and Ashleigh’s va-jay-jay hanging out, I actually thought there might be a slight chance that we were heading toward a PG rating. NO PHYSICAL ATTRACTION HERE! I said she would go and viola, she is gone!
Vienna….please refrain from using any sort of teeth bleaching products for the next few weeks. Your mouth is glowing and it is soooo hard to watch you in HD that way. I am not sure what your gig is but whatever you are doing he likes. I am torn here. There is this huge dislike of you amongst the girls yet other then a few annoying habits which I can easily write-off as “young girl ways” I am just not getting what the whole issue with you is about? I thought it was pretty bold to decline alone time with Jake and request that you be the last girl he talks to for the night…NICE MOVE. Although most of you might not like it, our little Swiss-Miss might be around for the long haul. Again, I am bringing it back to the bond they formed when they stared death in the face and leapt together anyway~
So we find ourselves at 5 faster then the show had planned. For all we know the Final Rose may happen next week. I have read and heard lots of spoilers but I am not going to bring them here. The more I watch, the more I find myself missing the numerous hot tub scenes and make-out sessions of the past. I feel like I am watching the Mormon version of the Bachelor. No umph, ahh, ohhh and oh ya, right there baby (okay forgot what I was typing about and got carried away). Bring it back to the basics…quality girls, no ridiculous skeletons in their closets, no kids, everyone a little sexy crazy but no one is a psycho. Make me have a hard time guessing who the final four will be and then feel teary when he lets each one go because she “seemed so right for him!”.
The mountain man façade did not move me in any way, shape or form. As my sister pointed out, flannel = sexy, elbow patches on aforementioned flannel = grandpa’s corduroy sports coat. I did love seeing my college home be a part of the show (San Luis Obispo!) and glad to see that the Madonna Inn was actually admired enough to host a full evening. Oh, if those rooms could talk….(just kidding mom, seriously have never been there except on a sorority scavenger hunt!). So, next week we will deal with Ali’s anger (again) over Vienna still being there and watch Corrie and Tenley hang on her every word with wide-eyes nodding their heads in agreement as she pulls their puppet strings. Vienna will continue to bounce around, bleach her teeth, talk about her great life and piss everyone off and Gia will decide to get nasty and rip her clothes off and then Jakes and we will finally hide our eyes for a good reason….I wish! Whatever he does, however he chooses I think he should take Ella’s parting shot to heart….”Choose wisely.”