Week 3 Recap...And the "ugliest cry of the night" award goes to...

Have you ever seen a Bachelor looked so pained? From Michelle’s request to kiss him, to trying to discuss Elizabeth’s wily ways with her, to watching Cory rip Vienna a new one, to jumping off a bridge while holding on to the aforementioned lady, to looking at Ella with a straight face while she was sporting “dolphin pool” hair? My God, last night was painful. Such criers, such drama, such lame girls…..ughhh, this one cannot end soon enough!
Oh, Elizabeth…you thought you were too hot to trot. No guy, not even super, sticky, sweet Jake likes a tease…no matter how cute she might be. But don’t worry…you are 29, you can have a date any night of the week, you only deserve the best and you could have been married many times over by now, so I think you’ll be just fine. Oh Ya, except that you just showed millions of people that you are into Jedi mind tricks and that you keep your yap going & going to the extent that even you are confused by what you say and do. You ain’t all that Miss Thing and I love that he let you go!
While we are on the subject of “love letting you go”….C’est la vie Michelle. You called his bluff one too many times! What are you, like in the 6th grade? “But if you want me to stay, I will. Check the box “yes”or “no”…” “But EVERYONE thinks I am the girl for you”. Okay really? Who? I don’t think you are the girl for him and I am a part of EVERYONE. I think you are the girl that needs to get her cabeza examined and maybe move out of the country for a year to give all the men in the greater LA area a chance to forget about you and your psycho ways otherwise your chances of ever giving your mom another grandchild are zero to none.
Lay off Vienna, you Hooches! I am not her number one fan no way no how, but seriously, she isn’t THAT bad. She is young, she dresses her puppy in outfits and she is about as smart as Forrest Gump on the day that he believes that Jenny really wants to marry him BUT her enthusiasm for Jake is real. I think that the other girls are jealous, jealous and threatened. There has to be a lot more going on behind the scenes since they are collectively mean but perhaps she is the “chosen one” that they have agreed to gang up on. She does have one thing that the rest don’t…Jake faced one of his biggest fears while clutching tightly to her little, skinny body as they careened off the side of a bridge and they are now forever bonded…for better or for worse.
Valisha, I told you to pipe up girl, you didn’t and now you are gone-zo. Why are you a “homemaker”? That occupation totally confuses me. To top it all off, I am bestowing upon you the “ugliest cry face of the night” award. I have to tell you it was a STRONG race between you and Ashleigh (butter face!!!) but the extra eye squint and jaw hold at the end pushed you right over the line. Now, if Ashleigh hadn’t received a rose along with you, the battle would have been something fierce. I am sure Ashleigh will win this one next week though when Jake sends her packing.
Jessie…still waiting for something from you girl AND I am hoping that that “something” wasn’t that ridiculous blouse you wore to the comedy club. Please do not mail order anything else from Fredericks of Hollywood. Only a good look in the bedroom, not as every day wear!
So the proverbial “lets fly your child in and see how we look as a family” took place last night. Was it just me or did she not seem all that excited to see her son? Do you even think that Ella really has a kid? I never heard him say “mom”. I was so hopeful that he would ask about his plane, but he didn’t and so it just goes to prove that it could not have been his favorite toy if even ever his toy at all, if he is even her child at all! I am sorry but if Sea World is where I had to spend my one-on-one date I would be sooo pissed. You could tell by her outfit alone that she had bigger and better expectations in mind and I don’t think her son came into play on any of those. Was anyone else wondering why the crew didn’t have her sitting with the left side of her face showing instead of her right? The poor thing with that huge red zit on her upper cheek. I could not believe that they kept panning in near it. I wanted to tell her to put her hand up by her face, to block it out, to pull out her cover-up stick, but then I was all confused by her “dolphin experience” pool hair and her sudden change of outfits and then her kid who wasn’t that into her and trying to see Jake as his father….I really just wanted their date to end!
Tenley…she wept….again. Sweet, chocolate covered Tenley. The girl couldn’t drop an F-Bomb to save her life. There has to be a one-on-one date for them out there and it will be so gooey and gushy that it will make my teeth hurt. I think she is perfect for him…
Ali, girl, what is up? Who decided that you are House Spokes girl? You are sort of mean. I think you might have bully issues that may stem from jealousy. I still like you but you are slowly falling off the top of my list. Enough of the condescending faces and comments. We all get it…you have Vienna issues. The girl is named after a canned sausage for God’s sake…give her a break! I was however happy to see you looking ultra-feminine this evening but you have got to chill on the lecture/honesty/mean-girl thing. Jake will see through you in no time otherwise….
Gia…it looks as though she snuck out and got her lips re-filled with collagen this past week. I still like her better when she doesn’t talk.
Corie = class-less this week and just void.
Kathryn is still high on my list and the houses dark horse…stay tuned.
KUDOS to Jake this week. He grew some balls, got a little tougher and showed that he is not interested in any sort of reindeer games. Take note ladies who are toeing the line between naughty and nice (Ali)…He WILL call your bluff and send your ass packing. I still can’t stand his “yuck, yuck, yuck” jaw reverberating laugh BUT he is slowly making it easier to like him and is about the sincerest form of sincere since Ryan of the Trista & Ryan duo. I think it is safe to say that if his “chosen lady” doesn’t pan out, it will be her not him. Now, if only someone can tell him to stop starting every rose ceremony and group chat with “You guys….”
Another week down, 9 girls left, not the most dramatic season but not the most boring either. From the previews it looks as though Jake “man-ups” once again next week by not giving out as many roses as he can. He is ready to get this show on the road, pick his lady love and fly-off into the sunset. Does he have sweetness on his mind? Does he prefer girls who wear Fredericks of Hollywood blouses? Does he like the playground bully or is he ready to be a baby daddy? We will have to endure yet another week of cattiness, ugly cry-faces, back-stabbing, hoochiness to find out…….