WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Waaaaahhhhhhhhh!!?? WTF? What is up with all of the crying? I thought we were watching The Bachelorette? There have been more claws and tears in these first 3 episodes then in the entire season of the last Bachelor! Okay, maybe not really but it is pretty damn close! And while we are on the subject of pretty can we talk about Roberto?

Never has a butt chin been so hot! When the guy smiles I totally forget that he is 5’7 at best and that it doesn’t matter that our children would pretty much be guaranteed a life of standing about 5’5 which could suck for our little boy. But I diverge and now I am back. Okay, here is the deal: Too much too soon, too good to work out, and neither were that afraid of heights so there was no major fear conquered together. The kiss was hot…a great story for the 5’5 kids, but I am fairly confident that there will be no offspring here. She is a smitten school girl and needs to remember he is trying to win her love not the other way around. Regardless, I don’t think the show would play this card so soon UNLESS they are trying to play Jedi Mind Tricks here and have people like me doubt their move. I wouldn’t blame her for wanting to spend eternity waking up to that face but I think there will be lots more to his story so stay tuned!

Kurt…ummmm, where did you come from you little strawberry blonde, with the blond eyelashes and brows??? No Doubt that he sprung wood big time while taking his “acting debut” a little too far…did you notice all of the guys watching get up and leave the room? I had to get up and leave the room too….seriously, it was a “hide your face from the dirty porno boy “moment. Not that I am opposed to a Porn star moment here or there, but this was really not the place nor the time. He did however score a rose, so clearly Ali is a dirty little tramp. He may be the dark horse and one to watch. I wouldn’t have picked him as her type but I didn’t pick Vienna as Jakes type either…so on that note, why do you all trust me so much!?? ;)

Chris from Mass. I just love him. I don’t know if she wants to go back to that place as there was a reason she picked to live on the complete opposite coast after she finished school. That really could work against him. He so clearly loves his life at home and probably has no plans of leaving his brothers and dad right now, but I just think he is as good as they come. All right, I have only known him a whole 3 episodes but I am going with my gut on this guy. I think he makes it to hometown dates for sure and then she breaks his heart. In honor of him I will be rooting for the Celtics during this NBA playoff series!

BTW, Jesse is still hot REGARDLESS of the ALL denim mishap last night. I am contemplating flying around the world with him to act as his personal stylist so he is guaranteed not to make that mistake again. That’s it, no hidden agenda here….purely out of the good of my heart. Jerad will totally understand as even he was disturbed by the outfit. Ty is annoying me, Craig the lawyer has been a lawyer for maybe all of a year and the guy thinks he is Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men. Guy…you are 27 and act like a 40 year old. Stop sticking your ponch out and slouching around with your smarmy little “I am starting to bald” smile…..ewww. I have no idea why she is keeping him around. The thought of kissing him would be enough to make me want to unload him. Possibly the show wants him to stick around so he can continue to be the bee in Justin’s bonnet…..

I don’t get the Justin issue. He is not the Wes of Jillian’s season and I don’t see him as the Vienna of Jake’s season either. Are we missing something here? Is he really doing a bunch of stuff behind the scenes to drive all of these guys bonkers or are they just a bunch of insecure dorks who are ganging up on Rated R (and did I really just refer to him as his wrestling persona???). I was impressed by the hike to her house (his armpits must have been screaming for mercy from the crutch rub) but I do realize that he is definitely into the game. I am baffled by the crying not once but TWICE. In case you missed it…once in the spa while he was ranting and raving about his hopes for a wife and children and then all by his lonesome outside after he was being crucified by all the boys. He brings the drama and we all know that there can never be the Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony without it!

In closing let us touch on The Weatherman. Touch. Just kidding. Where, for the love of God do I begin? Okay, how about with the army green jacket again complete with multiple zippers all of which are in places that serve no purpose other than décor. Sugar…this look went out in the 80’s and regardless of what you believe this look is not currently making a comeback. I BEG of you to please retire all jackets that are not of the sports coat, cute-n-casual, no zippers kind. Now, onto the awkwardness of you. You signed up for this show, you know what it is all about and you have got to play along with the games..all of them. You waaaahhhhhh’d over having to wear a Speedo and now you are waaaaaahhhhh’ing over having to kiss Ali in a scene for a music video? I sort of understand the Speedo, but really? The kissing scene? Do you realize that this may be your only chance to kiss her? Are you gay? Mormon? What is up with you? I wanted to pick you up and put you in my pocket last week and now I seriously want to throw your ass into a ring with Rated R and let him pull out a can of ‘whoop ass” out on you to toughen you up a little. You have made a choice to be on this show, now make the choice to make the best of it. Salvage your little wimpy weenie attitude and step it up boy! Time to play with the big kids! Wipe away those tears, be grateful that Ali kept you another week and come out swinging because I am thinking that this is your last chance…which is good because one can only pack so many jackets with zippers.

Ali actually let someone go…Hunter? Hudson? All I know is that she was his “darlin’" and "baby” all night long. Unfortunately for him, she wasn’t feelin’ it and the missed kiss in the spa (note: he ended up kissing her shoulder = AWKWARD) said it all. Farewell to Steve and Chris too….she and we won’t miss them much. Ali is still annoying but I am seeing glimpses of “her” here and there. She seems most natural with Chris from Mass. and maybe she is starting to work the nerves out (which could explain the EXCESSIVE giggling). Still not the fan of hers that I once was but at least she was more watchable last night.

In closing….did anyone catch Frank dancing to the Bare Naked Ladies? If you didn’t, you missed an opportunity to laugh your ass off, but if you did, you may find yourself having nightmares for the rest of your life….sort of like looking at the bad accident as you drive by. The visual teeters on Elaine’s (Seinfeld) infamous dance coupled with Franks goofy looks, springing around stiffly while air punching. If you tivo’d this episode I say it is worth the glitchy fast forward/rewind to catch the man in motion. And if you didn’t? Don’t worry; I am sure someone will supply us with some other silly antic next week. Until then…..