Ben Is Back....Back Again...

Really? Is it that time again? Finding myself looking forward to Monday cuz I know I have got 2 bad ass hours full of complete brain blah to fill me up and help to propel me through another week of, well, life. Time to live vicariously through these young, skinny, slight psychotic, catty girls to experience a little bit of love the tv way. I have already cringed numerous times in the first 2 episodes (thanks Jenna, Blakely & Monica), said “no, no, no, no, no!” on numerous occasions and have managed to peg the “PITA’s” (that would be the Pain In the Ass’s) while also assessing a few front runners. I tried to avoid the blog, I really did. There was luxury in watching and not mentally taking notes about who I was going to shred and who would be the lucky lady to earn my weekly Stamp of Approval, but the pressure from those asking “Where is it???!!???” got to me and so here I am.

Now, we all know I am a huge fan of Ben’s and I picked him out pretty much from Ashley’s beginning. I am hopeful that I will remain a huge fan of his through this run. It is weird to see the other side of him…the Bachelor side. Really weird to see him being the player instead of the one being played, but every dog has his day and this is Bens. I will have faith that he makes a great choice and fingers crossed that it actually goes somewhere. Even if it doesn’t we will all revel in this guilty pleasure and join him on the ride of his life. I mean really, the other option is to watch yet again another season of “The Biggest Loser” and if reality tv is going to get 2 hours of me then the skinny, catty, mean girls crying over the fact that they have never been able to find love wins this time around over the heavy people crying about the fact that they eat at McDonalds on 4 different occasions per day to fill their void of love. So many crying people, so little time. Hmmm…did I just say “crying people?” Perhaps we should kick it off here~

Jenna, Jenna, Jenna. She seemed so promising in her opening show diatribe about her life in NYC and as a “Love Blogger”. Huh? Really? She blogs about love? I think she should consider starting a blog about “Unstable, Total Sloppy Mess, Two-Toned Hair Hanging In My Face, Climbing Into Beds To Cry It Out, Completely Breaking Down In the Bathroom Talking To & Berating Myself While The Wheels, Engine, Doors, Trunk & Hinges Fall Off”. There has been no greater Hot Mess and my heart goes out to this little teeny, tiny of a wisp, completely unstable girl. Dear God she had no business being on this show…I am not sure what her plan was here but pretty safe to say it backfired. I think the final straw may have been when she referred to herself as “more of a guy” when talking with Ben. YES! Way to sell yourself to a potential husband. That is what every man wants to hear in his search for a woman. Diarhea of the mouth is not a list topper either. Call in the Kaopectate, people!

Can I get an Alleluia and an Amen for Kaci B? I love me a little baton twirler from the South! She is so cute with her little cowboy boots and shorts, marching along twirling her baton. I would like her legs when I come back as someone else. The whole movie experience was good but a little confusing for me. I was having a hard time totally focusing as my mind was wondering how the Bachelor people manage to get home movies in that amount of time together for one on one dates? It is so early but she has GOT to be a front runner. Little lollipop, sugary sweet thing on a stick, with a major fro when she doesn’t use the blow dryer, flat iron and balm. Either way, super cute and a fave ….be that an early fave.

Court “I am So in love with myself, especially my hair” ney is already a huge burr in my saddle. A corn on my toe, a bunion on my heel, you get the picture. I think she is “butt” personally, dumb as a doorknob and I have never been so annoyed by anyone‘s method of holding a wine glass and sipping from it. She has these thin little lips that curl over her glass. She makes the oddest face expressions, twisting her lips to and fro. Yes Ben…if it is too good to be true then it often is. She is not your girl but something tells me we are about to watch you have your “Bentley “moment. Every time the two of you appear on screen we will all yell at you to get rid of her, open your eyes and see what a bitch she is. If all else fails hopefully you will notice her strange way of wine drinking and realize that you cannot spend your Vintner’s life looking at that shit forever. I have faith in you Ben…I know you run deeper than this! In the meantime we will watch her be the Mean Girl and just hate her more.

Lindzi…First Impression Rose is never a great sign. Sort of like a horse, you start strong out of the gate and then fizzle before the race is over. I find it strange that her mouth slightly resembles that of a horse as well. I think she is cute enough albeit young (although I have noticed most are). I am always a little leary of Lindzi’s with a “Z” but we will fault her parents for that one. She gets a great date next week so if a little Matt Nathanson Live in SF can’t do it for these two then not sure what can. I think she will make a little bit of a run and is a watch and wait.

A few side notes: Brittney is cute but quiet with the grandma move being a good call. It at a least got her through a round or two. Monica AKA “Half of the bi-sexual couple” is gross and her time in the house should be short lived. It seems that her other half Blakely is over her, finding that she does prefer men and the chase. So disappointed that he gave her a rose. It may have been out of complete fear that if he didn’t she might eat him with her huge mouth. She is the “Grandma of the group” age = 34, sports the title of “VIP waitress” (okay…so she is a hooker?) with Hooters Girl on her short list. Speaking of short, the seersucker Fredericks of Hollywood totally inappropriate short suit she wore on the group date? Yes, the one with her boobies falling out of it…um ya, I have nothing more to say about that and I think she may have quite possibly scarred some children for life.

Some token blondes, Rachel, Samantha and Jaclyn are okay, but none of these 3 are standouts at this point. Rachel actually looks old and really out of place next to Ben and I am continuously distracted by the tiny little stud in her nose.

Red-headed Jennifer, our resident Weasel shines a bit. Super-smarty pants but a little annoying because she is so smart Emily is slow out of the gate but I think she too will make a run. I dug her rap and these usually find me hiding and cringing behind a pillow but she was cool. Rumor has it she might be the next Bachelorette…so you know what that says about her fate with Ben.

I don’t know why but brunette Nicki really bugs me. She reminds me of a little gnat…sort all up in everybody’s biznass. I have no time for her and I am confidant that she will only continue to bug me more.…watch her…you will see what I mean. I feel like she is the girls who always becomes every guy’s “buddy” and not in the good way either.

So, the mystery girl who calls Chris and says she is in SF is Shawntel the Mortician from Chico??? Brad Womack’s Second Rodeo? The girl he carried out of the burning building when they made a movie? Yes, that is her…she is back and about to vie for Ben. Remember the last time the Bachelor pulled this stunt is when Mary returned and Byron (Oh God how many Bachelors ago was that???) ended up ultimately picking her…and then got beat up and harassed by her which prompted him to call the police and landed her ass in jail and on the cover of magazines for that. Rockin’.

So we are officially in it. 2 shows gone and no going back.Sucked in. Suckers…again. And damnitall here I am typing the blog.

4 Out Of 4 Aint Too Bad...

Great hometowns and not many an awkward moment. Ames sister is a little hard core sell and JP's mom Ilene was a little clingy, Constantine's mom wanted to make sure Ashley wouldn't be taking her baby away and Ben's mom looked like a less Jewish version of Babs Streisand. Other then that, no weird skeletons in anyone's closet and good times all around.

Ames is a sort of a strange dude. I like him, I absolutely do but tonight I felt it very difficult to get passed his teeth and forehead. Together Ashley and Ames would have children with very large foreheads..could be why he didn’t get a rose. I felt horrible for him in the limo…he was so shaken but he still managed to speak so eloquently. He is such a strange mix…it almost seems as if he has taken a huge rip off of a bong and just sort of floats on through. His family was fine and his homestead was gorgeous. It clearly came down to the lack of chemistry and the fact that when he kisses her you can almost see his tongue darting back and forth…there’s a good visual ;) I am glad that he got to stay so long and I hope the kids who were mean to him at boarding school are seeing what a good guy he really is…regardless of the “duh” glazed look at all times.

Constantino! Costa! Tino! I love when a Greek man owns an Italian restaurant but I have to say the salad was very Greek looking. Who knew that he owned an eatery? Good for him! Great family, beautiful sister and lots of fun. How cute was his dad? I loved him and his little gap in his teeth…like Constantino’s. I don’t know that I see Ashley ending up with him but they do have some great chemistry and if not for anything else it seems like Constantine is opening up. I hope Ashley was smart enough to pick up some of those bills and pocket them. Why not?

JP…I know that there is solid chemistry and if anyone can get in the way of Ben he might be the one but I just don’t think he is right and I would seriously question his past relationships and why he is still single. I can see she is but doesn’t really want to go there too much because she is afraid of what she might find. …ummm…WARNING. His family was cute but strange that we heard nothing from his dad. I don’t know if Ash is Jewish but there is a small chance that someone might be breaking a glass under the Huppah in the near future…mazel tov! How killer was the Bar Mitzvah picture of him at the end? Nice mullet. Speaking of the Jewish stuff, did anyone else have him pegged as an Irishman? JP? Ilene? Patrick? Only his brother Roy stumped me but I just thought he got stuck with some family name. Imagine my shock when Bar Mitzvah was mentioned…oye vey!

Saved my best for last because he is so that…Ben. Is it just me or does anyone else want to wrap him up in their arms and squeeze him close and make all of his hurt go away? Okay, that might be extreme, but I do want to hug him. How cool is he? His emotional breakdown was so raw and was hard to watch….again, wrap him up. Just such a good guy. I will not question why he has only ever brought one girl home…. I love that he makes wine and that he is so soulful and open in talking with Ashley…I hope she realizes what a catch he is. I know his family is so small and I do get the feeling that she is looking for bigger but it seems like his mom and sister are lovely and she could certainly do worse. A big family for her might be overwhelming since she isn’t used to it but on the flip side, his mom and sister could be difficult as a team down the road….who knows. I vote for Ben F. and she would be dumb to pass him by (which means she probably will).

Love the scenes for next weekend. Any time two sisters start to argue especially one who is covered in tats (totally forgot about that from the Brad hometown visit) and the words “you’re being a total bitch” gets flung around, I get all nostalgic for the old days growing up with my 2 sisters…good times. I am sure their parents are going to just love that they acted that way on national television…such a proud moment. Regardless, we are getting down to the nitty gritty and I am looking forward to it.

Is there not going to be a Men Tells All? Usually it comes before the Finale but I have seen nada. However I did see that the Jake and Vienna show aka Bachelor Pad will be firing up on 8/8. Now that is some quality programming and of course, we are all looking forward to it. I wonder whatever became of Kip-Ten? That is where it all started…more endless romances to look forward to...

Okay…so who will it be? I say Ben and JP for sure as the Final 2 and really from there it is anyone’s guess. Doesn’t really matter though because I am sure by the time the winner is revealed we will read that they are done….unless of course it is Ben~

Ready For It To End!

Okay…so I typed this last Tuesday morning and minimized it on my screen and hence it has been sitting minimized for almost a week. Why was it sitting there minimized? I just couldn’t close it out. Nothing “snappy” to end with. And so, here lies the problem of The Bachelorette. Nothing snappy about this season AT ALL! Asia not doing it for me, the Bachelorette is blah, the drama started out strong and then just got so lame that it died out just as strong, no good hot tub scenes, pillow over the eye moments are totally missing, guy fights (no…Ames getting punched in the head by Solar Boy does not a fight make) and just no FUN. This has been the weepiest Bachelorette to date, so intense and “me” focused that there just is nada to sink my teeth into here. I am enjoying the pool of boys but I am not inspired whatsoever by this go around. A waste of the shows $, a waste of some of these cute boys time and if it weren’t for the lack of truly good stuff on Monday nights, sometimes a waste of my time too (okay, I still would watch but….). SO, with that said, I think I might delete out the “not quite finished, sort of left hanging there” last paragraph and consider this my final say. I don’t know, maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I am going to re-read my work now and make a decision. Who knows, maybe I will inspire myself! Anyway, you got to read through this to see what I decides, so get to it!

Two episodes ago all Ashley wore on every date were varying styles of see through, chiffony style cream blouses with legging type pants, circa 1990. Every time we saw her she had a shirt of that style on. Last night every shirt she wore was backless (except for her date with Ryan…it was more like an electric blue bib). Who wears heals that are 4” spikes when touring around Taiwan? Not to mention (but I will) the 2 different super short floral skirts with high black elastic waistband? Taylor Dane knows that not only someday love will lead you back to her heart but she is also hoping it will lead Ashley back to her closet where she can deposit back said clothes. If Ash shows up in cornrows next week I really won't be shocked. Whoever is styling this girls has got a thing for 90’s fashion…for better or for worse.

Apollo aka Constantine sort of had me last night. I wasn’t quite teary but I may have felt a little tiny bubble of one as he and Ashley let their “love wish lantern” (I think Ben is a much better artist) float up into the Taiwanese night sky. Apollo really needed a good date as far as I was concerned because he had a lot of making up to do. The boy, on their last date, wore WHITE ANKLE SOCKS without shoes on a beach dinner date (even while laying on the lounge). This sends some interesting and disturbing messages…”I have severe toe jam that I don’t want you to see. My 2nd toe is A LOT longer than the rest of my toes. My heels are like sandpaper. OR, it could swing the other way which might simply be, my feet are too sensitive for this sandy earth..” Either way you look at it, toe jam, fungus, sensitivity, white ankle socks…none of it is good. I fell asleep before next week’s scenes but my “spoiler alert reader” sister let me know that Apollo’s family looks like a good time. A little Greek dancing, flying money, some shots of ouzo…OPA! Should be a fun one to watch~

Benny Ben Ben…my main “walk of shame” man…good for you (minus the white rasta beanie dangling off of the back of your head…never a good look on a white man and sometimes even questionable on a brutha.). Where Constantine had me at ALMOST a tear, Ben actually achieved it. Just because I cry during episodes of Full House (yes that would be the show that sky rocketed the weird Olsen twins to fame) does not mean that I cry easily. Regardless, I just enjoy watching them together…I don’t get all cheesed out (Solar Boy anyone? Yes, he is a few paragraphs down) by them and that is huge. He might baby talk a little too much to her but think that is her style. I was concerned that he was going to crash the moped since he kept looking back and talking but not only is he a skilled winemaker, and a sleep over Casanova but he clearly is great driver as well. I just find him to be a calming presence..something this little basket case could use. He stayed so rational during the “Ashley reveals Bentley skeletons” fiasco. He looked hurt but pensive and said nothing..didn’t judge (could be why Blake got sent home that night and why Lucas was sent packing last night….hot heads.). I am afraid she might hurt him (Bitch better not) but I am going to stay solid in my belief and gut and continue to think that he is it (if she is smart, which is questionable).

JP…ICK last night! Waaah, Waaaaah, Waaaaaaah! What a (watch for it…f bomb dropped) fucking baby. What a disappointment. After all of his pouty faces I couldn’t look at him the same. Suddenly the wrinkle between his eyes (botox spot anyone) and forehead were no longer charming. He reminded me of a pug dog with those ugly wrinkly faces that only a mother could love. I no longer find him cute…just straight up annoying. I know he tried to talk it out with her and dumb ass Ashley feeling all bad gives him the rose (takes one to know one)…way to encourage him to continue to baby it out when things don’t go his way. I guess even guys pull the “I thought we had this connection last week and that we were solid” blah, blah, blah. Dude, newsflash…she is still dating 5 other guys and she has really strong connections with some of them too. Why do people on this show think they are the only ones with a “special connection?” Wake up and smell the Emily Maynard! It was watching the show back that was the demise of her and Brad’s relationship. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GETTING INTO WHEN YOU SIGN UP FOR THIS SHOW!!!! Do not be so naïve! If he is “it” at the end, I quit. She has issues that are already somewhat difficult to reign in and clearly JP has issues too. I FIRMLY feel this pairing
spells = DISASTER.

Somewhere in San Diego an entire grid went out. Solar Boy…the dream to put a constant bright smile on everyone’s face has come to a crash and burn end. It was so strange to see his megawatt smile drop in a nanosecond when she declared “no romantic feelings”. Poor guy was SHOCKED. When he was starring at her in disbelief “you don’t want to meet my family????” tumbling out of his mouth…it was a (gentle)pillow moment. I was telling him to “STOP, Shush, hush, no talkie”. Say “thanks, good luck” and move on. BUT, No…pinky shirt had a major melt down and it was not pretty. I actually felt bad for him but selfishly was relieved at the same time. His departure was long overdue. I will however say I am so grateful he shared the difference between a hot water heater and a tankless hot water heater and the impacts they make on our planet. Who knew? Seriously? Could this possibly be part of his problem? Who does that on a date? Good thing he is successful and somewhat good looking…maybe he will meet a lovely deaf girl who will love his smile. Regardless…lights are out on this one!

Ames…don’t know what it is but he is hanging on…red pants and all! I do know what it is actually. He is such a gentleman and is very interesting. Regardless of the fact that he looks like a distant relative of the “Despicable Me” characters (I know, last time it was ET) I do like him. He is always a great sport (sweet tux last night) and really gentle and kind. I just cannot bash the guy. I am sure his hometown will be interesting…so upper crust East Coast but it will be a good one to watch. Some thought he was a surprise pick over Lucas last night but I was not surprised at all. Lucas proved to be a hot head and you have to take in account his divorce and if that played into the demise of his marriage. He is a total “reactor” and Ashley managed to see that in him (how she missed it in JP I am not sure). I was not a huge Lucas fan so I am fine that he is gone and happy that we will see a little bit of Ames real life.

So, Constantine, Ben, Ames and JP. Looks like she has got the majority of boys closer to her current State…only Ben is a West Coast boy which I think will come into play when weighing out her options (location, location, location and she still has school in the East to finish up). Some quality guys in the mix and hometowns are always pretty telling…should be a good one next week.

I fell asleep during the Emily meltdown but I honestly am over her. IF she is the next Bachelorette then this show is as stupid as people say it is (right now it is only sort of stupid). She has no business doing it but I can totally see it…She will be Bachelorette and they will have Bentley back as one of her bachelors. Speaking of Bentley since I didn’t comment on that week….what a complete loser and waste of time. Ashley imploded big time as well. That rose ceremony was painful and the girl brought it upon herself. In case you were wondering, viewership is down over 10% this season…no surprise here. Asia, no hot tubs, hardly a really good, juicy pillow over the eye moment, Bentley and a completely weepy, immature and insecure Bachelorette = yawn, channel surfing, annoyed, not super invested or interested. BUT, of course we will watch because we want to see hometowns and who she picks and who is left broken at the altar (or I might call it “dodging a bullet”). We will of course tune into “Men Tell All” because you know Bentley will show for another go round at camera time. I know there is not a whole lot going on at 9:00 on a summery Monday night but still, for the love of Pete what is wrong with us?! Like I said at the get-go of this season we are all a bunch of suckers…so much so that I spent another 20 minutes on this damn blog finishing up this ending (even though I could have left it hanging) and you took the time to read through to see what I ended up doing ;) At least we are all in good company!

Got stuck on white ankle socks.....

Who forgot to blog and didn’t tell me? Oh, right…that would be me. I am telling you, it is hard to stay on top of the summer blog!

So, two Mondays ago I was all planned out and had some great “rips” and was all ready to go but I somehow got stuck on Constantine and his white ankle socks. Can someone tell me why he might be wearing socks on a beach dinner date? Foot fungus? Toe jam? Extra hairy toes (he is Greek)…it trumped every other thought I had and sure, I could go back and re-watch for more material but I am not getting paid to do this so that’s not an option. Who has the time? Ames was a surprise here on their one on one…witty and smart (clearly we knew that) and somewhat intoxicating. Is he too secure and smart for her? YES, but I liked that he got me thinking more about him and not just the fact that he looks like a distant cousin of ET. Getting knocked in the cabeza by Ryan (who by the way is a total puss…even I could kick his ass) in last week’s episode did not help his cause any in the freaky eye department either. What a waste…all that money spent on Ivy League education and Solar Boy goes and knocks it out of his head with one simple blow. Wow. Ames seems popular amongst the boys and we have learned that he is a good guy so let’s just leave it at that. He has been beat up on enough already.

We said good bye to West, who was a front runner at the start for me but I could see him fading…it might help if he got a little aggressive, pepped up and tried to get some alone time. Regardless, she decided to only send one guy home and when that one guy has to walk out alone, WALK HIM OUT! I was appalled by her lack of class. Give the widower 5 minutes of your time and talk him down. Christ, she is bugging me. At this point each of these guys deserves a little more than a hug and “it was a pleasure.” A pleasure for whom? With the way she has been acting, not for them. This chick has got to pull it together and pronto. Last week we watched Nick (I always want to call him Jeff…why?) exit..he seemed shock. I liked him, but after awhile the whole muscle man thing gets a little tired and I could only watch her getting push-up rides on his back so many times, so perhaps it was his time to go. Again, no walkie out…Again, me no understand!

I am not a big fan of pulling “Told You So” (who am I kidding!? I totally am.) but Ben “the cutie winemaker” F is the bomb. Numero uno Suckas. JP might be right up there for her (not me) but Ben F is more manly, cuter, better artist (great elephant mural…I wonder If he is for hire?) and has a personality to back it. He is coming on strong and as I said in an earlier blog, he will be a Final 2…..

I think it is fair to say that JP, Ben and Blake (cutie Dr. Teeth coming in hot…I am liking him) might be the Top 3 contenders right now and feeling rightfully so. Ash has had a great pool of guys this round and really with this whole stupid Bentley thing I am just thinking she doesn’t deserve ANY of them. I am horrified by her behavior and truly cringe when she goes there (Bentley..sob, sob). IF she picked a guy and IF she were so lucky to have one of them say “yes” then I hope he is strong enough to handle her shenanigans that the poor boy has had to witness week after week after week. I am so hopeful that tonight is the last night she makes a fool of herself over Bentley…oh, and you KNOW she is going to make a fool of herself, so get the pillow ready.

Will was an ass last week on the 2 on 1 date with Ben but shame on her for not even giving Ben a chance to defend himself. It all came full circle when she sent Will packing as well. He seemed so promising out of the gate but ciao for now to him. Solar Boy needs to turn his sunny dial down like 20 rays and act like a balanced normal person. Who really wants to be with someone who has “megawatt” smile going 24/7…blech. Constantine is Greek…need more? OK, here goes. He said it…to take a girl home to meet his family is very serious. He could not ask her to marry him at this point in their “relationship”. He has strong family values, I am guessing is pretty entrenched in his religion and needs more from her then just a “hometown date”. He needs her to be as impressive to his family as he might be to her. I told my sister that he is real life on this. This is what a “normal” serious relationship would ask for. So, I think that Constantine respects his family and their traditions too much to go any further. We will see what happens with him tonight.

Mickey is hanging in there but maybe fading a bit, I don’t think Ames will make the final cut, I told you my thoughts on the Top 3 and so that leaves a little bit of a dark horse, Lucas. I am neutral on Lucas, so am happy to see what might develop here. If you look across the board, Lucas, JP, Ryan, Blake and Ames all have the same sort of look and Mickey, Ben F, Constantine and Bentley have similar looks as well. She clearly likes a “type” but which way will she go?

After tonight I think she will implode a little bit. Some of the remaining guys are going to be so over her with this Bentley shit and I wouldn’t be surprised if a few walk. She is absolutely going to piss people off…all for a guy who has humiliated her beyond what she deserves. I hate that I have to get up at 4:50 am for a 5:30 class tomorrow morning. There is NO way that I can save this episode until my “morning folding laundry” tv watching. I am going to give Ash another little piece of myself, and sacrifice my sleep and extra super woman strength that I need for that ass kicking class tomorrow to watch and see if she pulls on her big girl panties and tells Bentley that he can f ***his dot, dot, dot. I am SO hoping she (or at least some of the guys) makes it worth my while. Here’s to hoping that she doesn’t disappoint (I still have my pillow ready….) and that the guys don’t either~

Websters Definition of Asshole? Bentley.

Should I start or end with the asshole that is Bentley? I could really just write the entire blog about him and how pathetic and ridiculous he is BUT then I might end up leaving out the roasting debacle that was William. Also I would hate to leave out the cuteness of JP (he is a better kisser then Bentley even though I thought he might bite her nose) and how he came in at the right time, regardless of the cheesy pose he was striking while donning his too tight plaid flannel jammies. He is one of the good guys though...likes her in her purple glasses and all.

So the roast…Sort of a stupid & tear inducing idea anyway. Who REALLY wants to be teased by and in front of all of those guys and who, clearly besides William wants to do that to her? In fairness to the Little Prince, he was just running with it. Stand Up is his dream and he was given a shot so he kicked it up a few notches. Left him farther to fall, but he was saved in the end…probably due to the extra spot left created by Bentley’s exit. Every show has got to have a little drama. Obviously this one would have had plenty without the Roast so maybe the show heard our cry for a little extra “somethin’ somethin’”. William was an idiot but he is back for another week.

Ryan the Solar Boy got another rose…impressive. I have to say though he is starting to turn the cheese dial way up and I fear the cracker is going to give under the weight of it. His smile, his hair, his wistful looks…yep, he is starting to bug. I look forward to the guys calling him on it next week. FIGHT!

We said “so long, farewell” to Chris (never gave me anything good to write on so I knew he was on his way out) and our favorite resident Zorro. He revealed himself, she was disappointed, he looked “kind of old” and there wasn’t a lot of personality going on. C’est la vie to you and the mask. Again, why we had to watch him reading ad’s on the pot while talking to Bentley who was working individual strands of his coif was weird and inappropriate. I am not sure who thinks that anyone would be interested in that piece of footage? I was just praying that I wouldn’t hear a little “plop” in the background.

Okay, Okay, so you want to talk Bentley? I don’t get it? Is the guy planning on taking a vow of celibacy and this is way to secure that no girl (a sane one anyway) will want to date him or even get within a 5 mile radius of him? Does someone with such a horribly mean spirit really deserve to parent a little girl? Speaking of, payback is a bitch Bentley…you better hope your daughter never brings home one of you.

Calling Ashley an “ugly duckling”, (I know, I know the eyelashes are wayyy to long and fake but that does not an ugly duckling make!)the faces he made when her eyes were not on him, using his daughter as an excuse, rubbing Ashley’s hair out of her face while she is sobbing and then of course the crowning jewel, the words every woman longs to here, the selfish cherry on top…the “dot, dot, dot”. You asshole. I started to ask, “What has she ever done to you?” It is fine to play it up a little and then leave but to try and manipulate her into thinking that she shouldn’t pick any of the remaining guys because he might be there waiting for you when this ride is over? So then the other crazy voice in my head was saying “STOP ASHLEY!!!” Stop crying, and begging, and baby talking and believing this guy. You ARE NOT in love with him dumb ass. He DOES NOT have your heart and you would be stupid to stop looking in this process at this point anyway, even if Bentley were still here! 3 weeks is not enough time for anyone. Pull your big girl panties up, climb out of that purple satin duvet covered bed and move forward!!! And Chris Harrison…I love the code in which he was speaking and that he was trying to point out that Bentley was not into her at all, but the girl was barely registering what he was saying. She wasn’t really listening. Show her the tape. Let her know what he has been saying about her. Make Moneyball look like the hero (did I just say that???). It was all just so raw and mean and awful to watch. The whole “If Emily were here this might have been a different outcome” comment? What makes you think Emily would even be interested in you? In case you haven’t noticed she prefers tan guys, with tighter haircuts and styles. I don’t think she is in to the Utah asshole mountain man look.

I have no idea what Bentley was out to prove or accomplish here but I think we all pretty much agree that he showed everyone that he is a borderline sociopath and one slip up shy of the looney bin. He is fine no more. I would be rinsing my mouth out with Listerine..the old school nasty flavored hard core yellow one to rid myself of the Bentley germ. Swish, swish, spit!

I thought Ashley looked so wiped and defeated and I really felt bad for her. I couldn’t stop wondering what the guy she picked might have been thinking and feeling during her crying fit(s)….yikes. This will be an unforgettable “Guys Tell All” and “After the Final Rose” that’s for sure.

Well, in true Bachelor/Bachelorette spirit..onward and upward. Something tells me our little Ash perks up and somehow, someway finds love. Will it be in a longtail boat on the waters of Phuket Thailand or on the back of an elephant or in the beautiful green blue waters of Fiji? Don’t worry, love is out there and it will bite her in her perfect little ass soon. She might not have any boobs, and she might not be Emily but they all sure love her little booty and are still clamoring for a piece of it. Go on Ash…give it to them! You will be saying “Bentley Who?” in no time!

Bentley, Bentley, Bentley...

Sorry for the delay…again! I got caught up in thinking what an idiot Ashley is for even entertaining the thought of Bentley EVEN AFTER she was warned, that I totally forgot to blog. Giving him a rose on the group date? Sitting all over his lap and “hmmmmm’ing” through his kisses? BEGGING him to stay? I wanted to jump through the tv screen and tell her to stop acting like such a "school girl crush" FOOL. Ughh…she is looking back right now and just cringing…she has to be.

Okay, SO, I was wrong about him last week. Bentley is 100% DICK. Yes, he is hot BUT he is a bad, mean boy. As I mentioned above, Ashley has been warned, but let’s keep in mind that she does not know all the stuff he is saying behind the scenes (yet). The fallout of this one should be enough to make you want to watch and see! I don’t know what the guy’s agenda is, but when you make Wes look sweet, you know that you are “the bad seed”. Like I said about Moneyball last season…if you are a parent and choose to go the route of reality tv, you have a responsibility to act like a thoughtful, caring individual…even if you are not one. Poor little Cozy Shack…her male role model sucks big time. This boy is bound to make all the past villains seem like pups.

William, William, William (he sort of looks like Prince William...I think it’s the teeth?) You were SO on the right track on your date. I loved him during Vegas, thought he was so brave for saying “I DO” and such a great sport through the process. Fast forward to time in the house…diarrhea of the mouth dude! STOP talking about your date to anyone and everyone who will listen! Finally, when you already have a rose DO NOT take Ashley away from guys who don’t during the rose ceremony. I HATE when people do that. You’ve got the rose now BACK OFF. Wills is a little too “gushy” and I fear, (I say it with a sharp intake of breath) CLINGY. I think it is only right of me to throw out GOOBER ALERT here (this stems from many things but especially all of the impersonations). Wills has potential so hopefully he won’t totally disappoint. Side note…is it really a good idea for two children of alcoholic dads to hook up? Let alone the emotional issues x 2 but the gene pool here could be sketchy…just a thought.

Oh, Mickey you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind HEY MICKEY! What a PLEASANT surprise he turned out to be!!!! I was sort of pulling for JP to win the flip but so happy to get to know the stud that is Mickey. I feel nervous being so impressed by him as it is possible that I am setting myself up for disappointment but I am going to keep my fingers crossed here, go with my gut and state now that I believe Mickey will be a front runner. So calm, cool and collected. Maybe a little too mellow for her BUT he could be the yin to her yang, the salsa to her flax seed infused tortilla chip, the glue to her crown. Whatever he is, he is one to watch.

So, if you are in Vegas anytime soon, the Jabawakeez show looks worth it…minus the Bachelor dance troop. Ashley held her own though. I was noticing that she and I are very similar in body type…especially the abs. It was like looking in the mirror…HA! I thought West made a good call by playing the melancholy card and sharing the loss of his wife with her. VERY heavy for a 10 minute chat but it explains (to her) why he is so reserved..I still like him. Still a BIG fan of Ben F. and look forward to when they have a one on one. What does it mean when no other guys stick out in my mind from this date? I am scanning my brain here but only West, Ben F and Bad Boy are in my memory bank! Not a good sign.

JP pulled the kiss to seal another week, Solar Guy (Ryan P.) stays even without a date, Paul Mitchell aka hair guy Stephen (he was a strange duck) is out. I knew this would happen but I was so hoping that he would have time to talk to her about her current hairstyle before she gave him the ax! The little blonde smiley guy, Ryan is gone (which now brings us to just one Ryan) and so is Mama’s Boy, Matt. She also keeps Lucas (who is he?) and so not attractive Ben C….perhaps it is his England upbringing, French father and ability to speak French…who knows? Super smarty pants Ames gets to spend another week in the pool along with our Mystery Masked Man, Jeff. We came SO close to the big reveal, so maybe next week? Our resident Adonis, Constantine is in the house ya’ll and Smiley, sunny, buff Nick stays along for the ride with our fellow perfect teeth, Dr. Blake. Rounding out the group who gets to sleep with a bunch of guys for another week is the youngin’ Chris D. I got nothin’ on him…yet.

I can’t wait for Monday just to see what shakes out with Bentley…I know, sad but true. I know the rest of you Bachelor whores feel the same way so don’t judge here. We know it won’t be Bentley in the end so if she could just play it cool with him and still steal a few kisses from his fineness while he is around then I would cheer that on. She might as well get some of him because this week is her final shot. Word is, Bentley pulls the biggest Bachelor betrayal yet and is gone come Monday. I know the tears are going to fall and I so wish she wouldn’t…he’s just not worth it. I have no doubt that there won’t be a few darling boys who are ready to swoop in and kiss her ouchies away. Bentley’s exit will rid us of his drama (but I will miss his face) hence leaving room for all the good guys. Hopefully the good guys got a little somethin’ somethin’ to keep this baby burnin’. I see a lot of good boys who don’t go bad in our future but if this is what brings a Happily Ever After, then I am game. But, maybe we could get a little hot tub action????

She's Baaaaaccckkkkkk......and has brown hair and bangs.

Damn It! I told myself, “NO!” that I was not going to indulge in this round of Bachelorette. I was going to go on hiatus like all of my favorite shows and take a break from the pressures of reality tv and this blog. Damn this random rainy day when instead it should be 85 degrees outside as that is the catalyst for my ungluing today. I sat down to too much laundry, pulled up my DVR list and there it was, just 2 simple words, taunting me to hit “play”. I don’t ever consider myself weak and I am not one for self-indulging at 9:00 am but I just couldn’t control my trigger-happy finger and before I knew it, there was Ash, with her new “do” (I already have an issue with her bangs), dancing all over a stage in an empty auditorium (explains how she hit it out of the park when she scored the role in Love with Brad in Vegas…who knew she was a professional dancer as well?) with her voice in the background talking about “no regrets” this time around.

Role camera on a few of the potential “husbands”, one running with his shirt off and perfect pecs, another walking along his vineyard, running his fingers through the rich Sonoma soil (love him already), another standing on a roof admiring the solar panels his company had just installed as he tries to make the world a better place (first impression rose anyone?) and finally a lawyer from SC who lost the love his life to a seizure in a bathtub (he found her face down, dear GOD!). The whole Bentley thing (he is SO HOT) has me intrigued just on its own and I have to say Ashley isn’t as annoying as I expected her to be. She is actually engaging, mellower and really easy to watch. How do you expect me to hit “stop and delete” at this point? I physically could not do it. That’s it, I am in, and there is no going back. S-U-C-K-E-R.

I can’t recall a lot of the names right now. The laundry had some of my attention and I was really trying hard to resist the whole thing so that could have been part of the problem but I am going to try and give it a “Go” here.

Masked man Jeff does not trip me out and I like the concept as does Ashley. I think he is probably very good looking and will be a great surprise to us all. Did Mickey actually land the kiss? It looked like she pulled away but he says he landed it. I like West (the lawyer who lost his wife), love the vineyard guy (is it Joe??), thought the guy who called his mom was funny, think Nick (the personal trainer) might end up being cheesy, not into the hair stylist from Manhattan Beach but am open to seeing what he becomes, thought the best “gift” of the night was Constantine tying the pink dental floss around her finger BUT I am always wary of Greek men (long story but just trust me on this one!). I like JP from NYC a lot but think he might be a little metro so he is a wait and watch and the Ohio guy who does all the impersonations…well, I think I know why he is always the transition guy. The first impression rose went to solar guy Ryan. Always taboo but who knows? He is a little too cheese whiz on a wheat thin for me but again too soon to judge. And Ames? Really? She kept Ames? Ick!!! I don’t care how East Coast Yale and Harvard, double masters educated he is. Blah, bland, yucky! Finally let us touch on (or just touch please) Bentley. Interesting to already know that she has been forewarned about him…hmmmmm. We have never had this before. I feel strongly that all of the “stuff” they show him saying/voice over in the previews of what is to come is a cut and paste and not truly anything he actually says in succession. I am excited to watch and see how he plays out because they have been so quick to make him the bad guy out of the gate. Not sure what in the hell he and his ex were thinking when they named their child Cozy, but because of his hotness I am going to let this one go….for now.

Tim the Drunk couldn’t have embarrassed himself anymore (actually if he wet himself then that may have been the topper) and I was relieved that she had him put in a car and taken away. How funny was he though? Just looking at her with a NY mobster drunk grin (he very possibly could be in the mob so good call to let him go early ;)), spilling beer down his front, telling her he sells “Wine and Spirts”. Liquor distributor…how appropriate. I think I saw in the previews (although I would like to erase the mental picture from my mind) the masked man sitting on the pot, reading the paper and wearing his mask? I don’t like to see my own husband sitting on the toilet so why are the allowing us to peek in on this man while he is dropping the kids off at the pool? We get it…he wears his mask constantly…thanks for the solid proof. Anyone catch the “You gotta have guts and nuts” comment? Loved it. I am convinced that the guy from Canada got sent packing because she didn’t like his teeth and speaking of, has she figured out that Blake is the dentist? His veneers scream it so I am sure it is something she will touch on soon.

All in all, I think Ash might have the best pick of guys in awhile. Thailand, Hong Kong, Fiji…lots of adventures ahead; more elephants, possible nuclear poisoning and big Asian bugs await her but it looks as though it all might be worth it. Let’s just hope that my decision to hit “Play” was as well. Come on Bachelor Peeps…give us a good one this time! Please prove to me that my temporary lapse in judgment was not a bad one. Give me some good shit to rip on, enough material for mocking but let me also cheer for someone, be happy for Ashley and find myself smiling through some of the “moments”. I long for at least a few hot tub scenes, want to have to pull the pillow over my eyes a few times and of course need a good “could you be any cheesier, roll my eyes” moment. I wouldn’t object to a little embarrassment, some machismo, maybe a few rounds in the ring (guys vs. guys of course) and an ambulance always gets things going. Throw in a little heartbreak, as I am game for a few tears but let it all be for something this time around! Give us a match, a marriage and an “After The Final Rose” that we can feel good about. I am with Ashley on this one…”No Regrets”. That’s right…Don’t make me regret hitting that damn “play” button. Game on…